WHAT! Is this an epidemic among blacks?

[James Pierce]

I am very sure that you have heard the growing numbers of black brothas going off and marrying foreign women, leaving our sistas behind, and black sistas going off and marrying foreign men, leaving our brothas behind.

Why does the brotha date outside his race?

What is wrong with the black sista?

Is she full of drama, too much independancy and stuck up?

Does the black women possess the "wifey" qualities of unconditional love, homekeeper, love God's word, caring, loving, gentle, femine, etc.. you know... proverbs 31?

Foreign women, prefebably Asian, posses those qualities... Are there any sistas out there that do?



Why does the sista date outside his race?

What is wrong with the black brotha?

Is he a no good, dead beat man who has no goals and dreams?

Does he always put the black woman down?

Does the black man posses the security, fatherly love, husband qualities, unconditional love, etc, that a black woman needs?

Foreign men, prefebably Asian, posses those qualities... Are there any brothas out there that do?

[Vern Powell]

Women of color has substained the loss of our men from days of old, since before times of salvery when our men were taken from the families to serve for whites' and other's households, judged by the strength of both:physical outline of body structure and their manhood, I suggest you do your history, this has been an ongoing dilema far longer than you know, based on your suggestions to the question, I myself seek a man of African decent, Our
society in North America has caused along the long years, a strong suggestion that Our people become seperated and long beat both Our men and women of color down mentally and socially, and as known by the world physically, therfore WE OURSELVES SHOULD RETREAT ALSO AND SUBSTAIN FROM ENTERING ANY RELATIONSHIP UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BACK our own true self -knowledge of self and family.. the fittest? It's a mindset, and I personally do not oppose inter-marriage, however be true to yourself, how can any woman or man outside their own race, who does not respect anyone will whole heart bear the masses of inter-marriage? Do they feel they could truly love the outcome of the two? would that be, other tah your own THE OTHER?!

[Sheree Graves]

There are men of all races that don't work and take care of their family and there are men of all races that take care of their family. As far as taking care or not taking care of their family is an individual thing. It has nothing to do with ones race. I worked in the courts on the civil side that deals with family law and I saw just as many white men in child support court as black men. So lets not get it twisted. As far as mates if we as women of God would truly seek the face of God and abide by the word of God that says he who finds a wife finds a good thing I think we may have a better chance of getting the man of God we desire. The doesn't say any thing about she who finds a husband finds a good thing. Lets learn to wait on God and He will give us the desires of our heart. Ishmael looked just like Isaac, acted like him walked like him the only difference is Ismael is Ishmael and Isaac is Isaac. So many sisters have ended up with Ishmael instead of Isaac because they chose to do it their way and not God's way. They sought after the husband instead of waiting for him to find her. Peace and blessings unto you.

[Sheree Graves]

Thanks for sharing a mans point of view. Life is much to precious to be in a unhappy and miserable marriage. I know I've been there and don't plan on going back there..........Thank God for setting me free.......

[Vern Powell]

I personally see alot of God- fearing SISTA's out there EVERYDAY, I think you have a preference, no- one is knocking that, however you are only one man, We struggle too..yes but hey let us be real, women of all color battle in all races with all issues, you are what you are, black, white, asian or other. Are you asking questions or making statements? By the way this message is for JAMES

[Minister Carolyn Gaynor]

First, I'd like to say that I appreciate your questions, as they make me stop and do a personal assessment of how I view my people in general. The answer is I still love my Black Brothers dearly. Some have more than others; some are more educated than others; some are more desirable than others; some demonstrate more character than others; some are wiser than others; some esteem themselves higher than others; some are more in love with God than others, and; some prefer woman of other races more so than others. Whatever the situation surely they are not all less desireable than their counter parts (men of other colors, race, nationalities, etc).

Both men and women date outside of their race for many reasons, curiosity, preference, etc. I know of men and women of varying ethnicities who have declared they will never date within their race. For many reasons, some of which are due to hurt, let downs, and disappointment. I think that black women are just as kind, caring, humble, unique, godly, as any other woman of color, ethnicity, or race. Likewise, I will not bash my African American Brothers because I love them toooooo much. I believe that they are one of God's Master Pieces a wonder and awesome creature to behold. Black men in my opinion are the most beautiful living, breathing, thinking, creation on the face of this earth. My preference?? A black man and now you know why. I will say this though, I wish they would ask more questions of their black sisters to better understand where we are at in life and then be willing to listen with an empathetic ear. I will also say that when I and my sisters respond that we would do so with a loving spirit and not with one that implies every black man is at fault for the pain and suffering experienced in our last relationship and/or marriage.

One of the many things we need to focus on as we speak to relations between black men and women is "unconditional". We place too many conditions on each other at times and lose sight of what is really important and that is love -- unconditional love. Accepting and meeting each other where we are at in life and then build from there -- I wish we would stop tearing each other down and comparing our black men and women to others. Trust me the GRASS AINT GREENER on the otherside. They just use a different maneuer, but at the end of the day it is the same mess/poop as yours. So stop looking over the fence at others and coming up with these foul comparative analysis of what is wrong with Black men and women based on what we see in society. When we begin to stop appreciating the fact that we have a black man or woman that truly loves us and in my case I LOVE DEEPLY -- and my husband still left me for what he felt was a better bargain. LOLOL He has been with several women since leaving me and is in a relationship simultaneously with 3 that I am aware of. Now is this to say it takes all of those women to replace one lil ole me. Or is this confusion and searching for something that really is not out there to be found because he already had it at home. When I look in his face I don't see happiness. . . I don't know what that is all about.

Will we ever overcome as a people????? I have overcame, I blame no one but myself for my shortcomings. You can't make do anything that I myself have not made a conscience decision to do. I suffer for my words and actions, and unfortunately so will others if I don't continue to work on me myself and I. I say meet me where I am at and I will do the same for you. I was created by God and am the essence of Him. I was born to worship the Lord and I am designed to love. I intend to walk in love whether I am accepted by my own or others.

I love each of you dearly.

Blessings,

Minister Carolyn

[Minister Carolyn Gaynor]

Good Job? Does this mean you agree with me or you just find the statement to be interesting? I am a little confused by your response.

I have a tendancy to speak in an "as a matter of fact way" that is just who I am and I don't mean any harm, but I do mean what I say. I also speak from my heart, personal experiences, and based on the many stories that are shared with me by others caught up in what appears to be "black on black hatred" between our men and women. I am of the opinion that if one doesn't like what he or she sees, hears, feels, discerns from the gate (red flags) -- that is the point at which one should NOT ENGAGE THE PERSON if DISNTERESTED OR DISENGAGE QUICKLY SO HE/SHE WON'T FEEL A NEED TO PURSUE YOU or think there is a chance at CULTIVATING a relationship.

I don't play games with the heart of people because I don't want any one to attempt the same with me. When I say the grass is not greener it really isn't -- been there done that (experience). True I have not yet met a man that is like my ex husband, I have however, met men with different qualities that are indeed QUITE pleasing to me and if I thought I was truly ready to start a new relationship I would show interest in at least one of them. If I were to start my relationships out by comparing other men to that of my ex-husband, surely I am going to start with intelligence, qualities, skill, talent, abilities, and then some; I could possibly be single for the rest of my life due to unrealistic expectations. Furthermore, I don't know any men that would appreciate being sized up or expected to perform based on what another man did. Likewise, I'd appreciate not being measured based on what another woman has done or is doing. No one is perfect and we all fall short in some area . . . The grass is not greener. Once again, one would might consider the notion of meeting folks where they are at, if that is not possible, just "keep it moving."

I am in love with love, so therefore, I don't do drama of any type -- so, if I find myself in a position where it is just 'A BURDEN' to meet one where they are at, I simply must "keep it moving." (smile)

Love and Blessings My Friend,

Carolyn

[Minister Carolyn Gaynor]

Praise God. . .

Carolyn

[Sheree Graves]

When are we going to stop bashing, and putting down each other. Regardless of ones race if they want to act or be a certain way they're going to be like that. There are lots of black women who know how to be submissive, who cook real food for their husbands, keep the house clean,wash clothes,grocery shop,pay bills,bathe the children,feed the children,help with homework,pray with them and after doing all that plus some work a full time job outside the home. Every black brother is not standing on the corner selling drugs,drinking or just doing nothing but holding up the corner. When we stop bashing each other then other races will stop bashing us. There are black men out there who know how to love their wife,treat her like the queen she is,takes care of his family,spends quality time with his family,works outside the home,serves God,teaches and trains his children in the Word of God. Its ones own choice who they choose to be mates with. Brother James, if you want to date outside of your race that's your choice but don't attempt to find negative reasons why you don't want to date or marry a black sister. If you treat the sister as the word of God says you won't have to worry about her not doing her part as a wife and woman of God. One of any race can find reasons why or why not they don't want to marry in their race as well as out of their race. I think you need to pray and seek the face of God to reveal somethings to you.................Peace and blessings be unto you.

[Minister Carolyn Gaynor]

Sherre Graves wrote: If you treat the sister as the word of God says you won't have to worry about her not doing her part as a wife and woman of God. One of any race can find reasons why or why not they don't want to marry in their race as well as out of their race. I think you need to pray and seek the face of God to reveal somethings to you

Hello Sister Sherre. I like your comment that if the brothers provide the proper care for and towards their black women, they won't have to worry about her doing what they our brothers require and more. The admonishes us to submit to one another, not just the woman to the man. Further, the Word tells our brothers to love their wives as Christ loves the church. So it would stand to reason, that we should be loving one another with an uncoditional love. One that when we wake up in the morning we can look at that man or woman lying next to us and with sincerety of heart (not only wondering) and ask what can we do on this day to please one another. Wake up with a committment to love. Just like God gives us mercy new each day we should approach our relationships the same way. A NEW and GLORIOUS day with the man/woman I vowed to love and cherish always. I beleive this is one reason we should not go to bed angry, don't let the sun go down on our wrath. So that we can start fresh having forgiven one another for whatever the situation. . . This may sound story book to some, but the Word is in my heart and it is a biblical perspective. I speak from experience I can't go back in time, however, I wonder if I had used my own advice would I still be married. LOLOL probably. . . probably not! Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Some folk are just not equally yoked. . .

I believe Brother James is just trying to get us to think about why we treat each other so poorly. I don't think that an Asian woman is better than the next. Quite frankly I look into the face of the older Asian women, I see them all the time. Some of them look like life has beat them down. The one's that I know that are married to our brothers, look like he is not very kind to them and it shows in their interaction. So yes, she may be submissive to the point that she is no longer a helpmate, but a slave or house pet. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL ASIAN WOMEN, because I too know so Asian sisters that don't play that submissive stuff -- they are more giving to the biblical perspective "help mate" which mean to have some one help you -- to walk by your man's side and not behind him, as with the Asian culture--women walk behind their men. I lived in Japan for a few years and it is not what folks think it is. . . I just recommend that we study culture a little deeper to under stand the origin of why people do the things they do; why they talk the way the talk; respond the way they responsd. If black folks would study black culture, perhaps brothers would understand why they have warrior sisters in the house. We can read about Deborah in the bible, she was a: wife, judge, prophetess, preacher, and warrior. She was probably a mother too. Was she a virtuous woman?? I'd have to say yes.

I will be honest, I prefer a man that knows how to cook, clean, pay bills, go to work, amongst other things. Not so that I can be lazy and sit around, because I too am a professional as well as a preacher. So that we can share in responsibilities and have time to enjoy life to the fullest!!!! Team work gets things done a lot quicker than sitting around to see who gonna do the laundry, cut the yard, pay bills, and buy groceries. These things are so frivolous in the big scheme of things. Life is more than just chores. I like nice things, that is why I keep a nice home, not because it is required of me. Relationships are give and take. Determine up front what is expected and agree to work together on certain things right up front so that you won't be surprised later! Find out what each other expects from the other.

I live in California, this state requires two incomes if you plan on buying food and gas for your car.LOLOL I don't want to go to work all day, raise children, come home and cook and feed the kids, do the dishes, pick up the house, make love, and get up and start all over again. I'd look a hot mess -- like some of our other sister that we refer to as being submissive. I want a man that understands reciprocity, and sharing in responsibility, and not only that enjoys being helpful and loves his HELPMATE. Especially, if one can't afford to hire a housekeeper and lawn guy. I have a lawn man, I don't need a housekeeper because I can manage what I have on my own.

To be honest with you. I know plenty of professional couples who have housekeepers and lawnguys. This helps to keep the homes and yards asthecially pleasing, thus giving the couple more time to share in other responsibilities and activities. Such as planning finance, cooking in the kitchen and bumping into one another romantically every now and then. Some times they go out to eat. . . etc. etc. etc. She looks fresh and beautiful most of the time, because she is not running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to pick up and clean up behind folks. We have to keep things into perspective. We also need to respect the fact that every one is not good at everything. If the man is a better dish washer then let him wash dishes. If she is a better lawn keeper let her do the yard. He may get the close whiter -- then let him wash whites. His fried chicken might be better, THEN HONEY STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN PLEASE!!!! She might be a better business person, then brother let her handle finance while you observe so that you at least know what a sister is doing with the money. Be blessed ya'll.

In all things give thanks. . . and I praise God for you, James, Leigh, and all of my wonderful Black Men. Amen

Minister Carolyn

[Minister Carolyn Gaynor]

AMEN!! I feel you I feel you I feel you. Or how about this, "Hello Sir, why are you so dirty?" He answers, "I just got off of work, and it is not a very clean job, but it pays the bills." Glory Hallelujah!!!!!

Brother you are absolutely correct in your assertion, "give a brother a break". I am also impressed by your humility in confessing that some brothers just need to be shown. We need to be "balcony people" extend a helping hand and pull another up, instead of putting our foot on their neck pushing them back down the moment we see or hear something we don't understand. FRUITs OF THE SPIRIT!!!!!! Some of us sisters can use a few lessons in a couple of things too. But teach with love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness, and exercise self-control. Galations 5:22,23

Some women want a man that will push her upward and likewise, I believe our brothers want the same thing, I woman that will be supportive both naturally and spiritually. In otherwords, help a brother realize his dreams, likewise, sisters don't just want to do housework, we dream to. But do know at the end of the day it is all about building and securing a future together as one.

The ex once told me, get a job closer to home with less hours. Okay, so I took a voluntary demotion, a $12,000 annual pay cut, worked 4 days per week instead of 5, and 24 hours instead of 40. Then he said, you need to make more money. I took him seriously, I then promoted twice sitting in the same chair. That was not enough, I then had to begin working out of town again - was promoted to an associate level supervisor to a middle manager. Just doing what he desired of me. At the end of the journey, he said, "your career is too important." Confused, I said, "I did what you asked me to do." Be careful what you ask for some folks are just nice enough to give it to you. Next thing you know he gone and we divorced. LOLOL

Brother you are right, know right up front what type of woman you are looking for, and what you want the two of you to achieve together, what you will be tolerant of as it concerns the things she needs to do to achieve her own personal goals and aspirations, and likewise, you need to disclose the same to her. Work together on a cohesiveness that will support the two of you both naturally and spiritually.

You make another excellent point, "...some of us need simply instructions on being a good husband ,we are willing but we have not been taught what to look for in a woman or what are gifts are[- so we suffer needlessly on dead end jobs]...Imagine God having something GREAT for you sisters wanting God's man in your life but he is right under your noses." I don't care how much a money a man makes, because I am pretty much set. . . I do care if he has the potential though. As it is not prudent to be dead weight. A man with a lot of potential, personality, professionalism, and other groomable characteristics is as valued as a man working making 6 figures. Why? Because of what you just said, you are willing to learn. On the other hand, there are women that would not mind having a house husband either -- just be true to the task, because it is not easy -- just ask your sisters who are housewives. It too is a full-time job. So look at it this way. If you work full-time, in the ministry, and have a home to upkeep, whoa that's a lot of work to do. (smile) We women just make it look easy LOL.

Love and Peace,

Carolyn

[Sheree Graves]

Praise the Lord Brother
I appreciate you standing up and saying sisters please help us brothers out. Not many would take the stand to say we need help please help us. I know Minister Carolyn, will do a great job and the brothers will learn a lot if they take the time to read and ask for clarification if needed.
Hugs

[Sheree Graves]

Well said Minister Caroloyn............ agree with what you said. One of my sons is an excecllent cook and baker. He commutes approximately 50 miles each way to work, comes home and cooks dinner without complaining. My daughter-in-law is an excellent housekeeper. Everything has a place and everything is in its own place. When he's in the kitchen cooking during the big holidays she's along his side cleaning up. She doesn't cook and my son knew that before they got married. I told him I didn't want to hear him complain later about her not cooking. They compliment each other and neither complains about what the other does or doesn't do. Marriage is a partner thing and not an individual thing. I hope you and me can talk again.

Sister Sheree'