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Marriage Helper's Discussions

I Don't Have Time

Started Feb 11, 2010 0 Replies

Why does is the response to doing work in our community is oftentime met with the answer, "I don't have the time"  or "I"ll try to help" Where are the mentors, instead of so many church services why…Continue

Revelation in Our Marriage

Started this discussion. Last reply by Louis Jones Sep 5, 2011. 1 Reply

What was the greatest revelation revealed in your marriage in 2009 and what will you do to build on that revelation in 2K10. Example, I discovered many expectations I had on my wife as "First Lady"…Continue

Should My Husband Close the Church

Started this discussion. Last reply by Marriage Helper Dec 13, 2009. 7 Replies

Family, one of our members requested I post this question for her. She is a 1st Lady of a small church. She and her husband have 2 children ages 12 and 14. Basically, there household financial…Continue

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Comment Wall (22 comments)

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At 11:32am on March 11, 2010, Marriage Helper said…
One thing I failed to mention regarding your posting. Remember our work as ministers, christians, the Body of Christ is beyond the 4 walls. There is a whole Kingdom in need of your ministry, not those inside the 4 walls. True ministry (serving God's people in the community to win souls can be as you stated "USED" anywhere. Focusing on being used inside the walls tend to make you one who is seeking to preach, pray, and head a committee in the church that you can be seen before men. A servant does not look for the glamour, they look to serve. Find a common outreach in the community, WE ALL CAN BE USED THERE.
At 10:50am on March 11, 2010, Marriage Helper said…
Brother Young, there are 3 things that leap off the page when I read your comment they are: Unity, Repect, and Communication.

As couples in ministry must understand : 1Co 1:10 ¶ Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. This applys in marriage and ministry which are inpart are the same. Any actions present of division is not of God. The two of you will need to become a more united partnership moving forward. If there is division that which you are hearing is not of God leading. He is not the author of division and behaviors based on the emotions of anger, bitterness, and resentment.

Unity in a marriage will bring about Respect. It is difficult to find good in those things not of God. Division is not of God. Unity, Marriage, and the Love of Christ are Kingdom principles. Division has no place in neither ministry nor marriage. Now Understand there is a difference in Division and Diversity. But better understanding will be presented when you communication improves.

3) Communication: Anyone reading this and want an excellent exercise to improve communication is welcomed to send me their email address and I will send the exercise with instructions on improving communication.
At 7:15am on March 11, 2010, Edwin Kirk Young said…
I don't like the idea that my wife and I go to two different churches. We have discussed it and I feel it is indicative of how our relationship has been. The one first things my wife asked me before we got married was, "how do I feel about women ministers??" Personally I came out of a church that used everyone, so that was never an issue with me. Some in today's church might. I not that one.
It has seemed to me that this has been an issue because in times past when I told her what I believed the lord was telling me, The questions was along the lines of how it would effect what she believed the Lord had for her to do.
These are some of the issues I have had to deal with. She has felt I dont respect her and no matter how I try to convince her otherwise, It had been a problem. Telling her something I don't agree with is not the same as disrespect.
It has affected. We dont go to the same church because she feels God can use her at this church where she is at now. I feel God can use her where I am at now. I have had to back off and let her do what she feels at this point because I want peace in my home.
This is on top of all the other stuff. This where i am at!!
At 11:27am on February 24, 2010, Marriage Helper said…
Being married is a continuous process and both parties have to agree to do things to make it healthy and not things that will cause the cancer to spread.

Please feel free to reach out throughout this process
At 10:26am on February 24, 2010, Edwin Kirk Young said…
Thank you for responding, not in judgement but in honest ways that will make all of this work. I admit when I wrote to you I was frustrated but I will take steps in this direction!! Thanks
At 10:36am on February 23, 2010, Marriage Helper said…
5) I suggest finding out the best way and the most comfortable way of communicating with one another. Sometimes face to face is not as effective as we think they might be. I know many couples who where able to communicate better by using the following: Many of even my discussions with my spouse have been happily resolved by the follwing

Each of these allow you to learn to be “quick to hear and slow to speak” Your goal in EVERY MISUNDERSTANDING IS TO GAIN UNDERSTANDING, and an “AGREED UPON RESOLUTION…NOT TO SIMPLY BE RIGHT.

* Instant Message, it gives you the opportunity to read your statement before sending to be sure it was presented clearly without anger, sarcasm, and resentment.
* Text when “NOT Driving” it allows for instant response and shorter to the point response
* Email: Give you the chance also to communicate properly

6) Clearly let one another know 1 or 2 reachable or workable things we desire the other to decrease and or increase doing in the relationship and/or not doing and work on meeting your spouse’s expectations in that/those areas. The beginning of the process. Once you reach a point of change, celebrate it and choose 2 more and work on those. All things will not blend or work perfectly in a marriage that is scheduled to last a life time. (As a joke, being married in a lifetime means, that’s how long it takes to get it right) In marriage there are forever changes and we must learn to change, adjust, compromise quickly and often if we expect a “healthy” marriage.

7) This institution was ordained by God, so it is ordained to work and is one of the first institutions Satan desires to destroy.

At 10:36am on February 23, 2010, Marriage Helper said…
1) Identify those things in “You” that if you were married to you, even you would go crazy dealing with. Many times we can find the answer as we look at our parents behavior and identify those areas you did not want to become and you think you did not but your spouse is telling you that your are like your “mom or dad” You became your mom and dad, “GOOD, BAD OR INDIFFERENT”

2) In your post you stated the many things you have tried to make the marriage work. The one thing that did not jump out at me is “LISTEN”, however you did say she has a hard time “hearing the truth”. If the truth be told, we all have a hard time with the truth. We must first create an environment that “truth” which is oftentimes “more opinions than truth” can be received by the spouse because in many relationships the real truth is that you have differences of opinion and what is truth to you is not truth you your spouse and what is truth for your spouse is not truth for you.
3) An environment where both parties us “I” statements oppose to “U” statements help foster such an environment. Also confirming what the other person is feeling. Your goal is to create an atmosphere where it is easy to be honest and fun for one another.

4) The two of you are very new to the Truly Wonderful Institution of Marriage, however you must learn and focus on the “PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE” according to God, and not the “ISSUES IN MARRIAGE” that Satan desires your focus to be on.
At 10:35am on February 23, 2010, Marriage Helper said…

I appreciate you reaching out for help to reach your answer. Spiritually speaking among many things we pray for in a marriage, one is oftentimes overlooked and that is for understanding of one another.

I hear your frustrations and your concern, however as difficult as your struggles may appear as you go through the transition of marriage, there are answers to your problems and it requires understanding the foundation upon which your new marriage stands.

There are oh so many situations in a marriage we are bringing together two broken yet delivered individuals from pass experiences into a relationship that we hope to mend together quickly and almost perfectly. Noticed I said “Delivered” however I did not say “have overcome”. (Example: people are oftentimes delivered out of situations, but their memories, desires and unwillingness to adjust to change causes them to go back to the familiar no matter how bad the familiar may have been. In many cases these situations gain both renewed life and strength when a similar of situation that appears to be similar in a passed event presents themselves in an new relationship

GOD must be the center focus when trying to be molded and shaped into an image that will reflect the fruit of the Spirit and the word of God as spoken in Eph 5:19-33. Now the important thing is not to take parts of this scripture to apply to your spouse or your spouse apply to you. It is a wholelistic approach to your relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what it means to have a pastor who “Tell’s it like it is”? Because I’m not sure what that means, however I do know having a leader who teaches in-depth how to learn to be married in a world that so many do not. Therefore I can’t teach everything in one email, however I would like to give you a direction that you and your spouse will come to an understanding the amount of sacrifice, discipline, compromising is required for a “Healthy” marriage.
At 9:25pm on February 22, 2010, Edwin Kirk Young said…
Quite honestly, I wish I would get an I love you without saying it First even a thank you. I came into a ready made situation. My wife is quick to thank or give recognition for anything my stepson does whether it is the trash or washing the dishes. But It seems like I am supposed to do these things!
This is an continuation from the frustration that I feel after three years. As we speak my wife is out hanging out and when she is here she will be on the computer until early morning.
It has been like this for I dont know how long (months). I have had to fight for time between other interest. Spending time for us has been relegated to very late at night when I am not at my best after being at work all day. She sleeps late until 10 or 11 so she is not up with me in the mornings!! It has been almost a year without any intimacy
I have ot hold her hand or kiss her.
It has gotten old.
I need answers
At 7:40pm on February 22, 2010, Edwin Kirk Young said…
Hey I have An issue about something my wife told me. Going Back a few weeks ago, My wife sent an e-mail asking about how to deal with a situation concerning our bed room. It was stated that I brought her before a pastor to let him tell her that it was my duty to sleep with her. Well..... There is a little more to it than that,
I am disappointed at the lack of discernment that goes into reacting to statements without probing further into the whole picture.
I have tried everything from trying to be friends, Buying her favorite candy, holding her in less than sexual ways, paying her compliments.
I wish you knew what goes on here. The pastor she is with now she applauds for being able to tell it like it is!! The same one that I was accused of bringing her before.
I have tried to resolve issues of unforgiveness. Most of our discussions about anything 90 percent of the time result in an argument. My wife has a hard time hearing the truth from me about anything.
It has been almost a year since we have had anything relations. I can barely get her to hold my hand!! It did just get that way. It has been that way, since we have moved to texas. We have gone through four month periods six months periods and now almost a year.
I have not cheated on her.The biggest issue I have had is that other people have had more influence on our relationship that what I try to say to her. When we came back to Texas, We had very little US TIME. Ministry, The Pastors kids and everything else were always more important than building our relationship which is still in Newlywed stage. over just three years in october. They things that go on between us affect my stepson who runs to the aid of his mother most of the time which puts up a wall between me and him. We have no real relationship. Honestly, After three years it is getting old. I ask her what we can do to make things better, Her response is " I don't know" I have to grab her hand or hug her, or there is no touching. What do I do ?

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I am a Senior Pastor with over 25 years of experience in Mental Health as a substance abuse counselor, and Clinical Social Worker. My career has expanded to work with numerous County Mental Health Programs including being a part of the Psychology Team with one of the leading Universities in the World located in Washington DC. I have a wonderful relationship of 15+ years, however they came with challenges.
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Marriage Helper's Blog

My Wife Does Not Like Her Role as 1st Lady

Posted on December 16, 2009 at 4:30pm 10 Comments

A member requested the following be posted: I have recently discovered my wife has been totally unhappy as first lady and even the life style and sacrifices of building a church. She loves the Lord and Loves our family, however the most recent discussion she revealed she has been unhappy for at least the last 3 years. They are working it out, however there is a lot of repairing and regrouping is being done.

Statistics show that 80% of… Continue

World vs Church Relationships

Posted on December 16, 2009 at 8:07am 5 Comments

A member has asked; have you found that many of the relationships you had when you were not saved are better than many of the relationships you have tried to establish since being saved and in the church. This member feels the integrity of many of her friends who are unsaved is better and longer lasting than relationships in the church. She is member of a social group from college and is now 43 and those relationships are much stronger and… Continue

Relationship Triangle in the Church with a Child

Posted on December 14, 2009 at 5:30pm 4 Comments

Family, I don't know where to start with this one because there are so many dynamics in this marriage. This couple want to know if they should stay at the church they are attending, below is the reason for the question.

1. The Gentleman is a Deacon in the Church, and 1 yr ago had a child with a new member of the church (female #1). All who are involved are still members of this congregations...thus the problem in the wife's opinion. I will… Continue

Marriage Helper

Posted on December 11, 2009 at 8:54am 0 Comments

I would like to invite you to join the MARRIAGE HELPER GROUP I suggest you create an anonymous email and BPN acct. Clergy and Clergy wives very rarely have anyone or anywhere in the earth to turn to talk about pressing issues in their marriage due to the attention and expections placed upon them.


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