Black to White and Black Again
In this country, the UK, it used to be unusual to see a black face. At least it was where I lived.
My chief experience of black people came from the selling of 'Sunny Smiles' in church. You had this book and sold the picture of the child and gave the money to the poor black children. That, and the fact my grandmother had what must have been one of the only black dolls available in the 1950's - she was beautiful.
Walking back from church each Sunday I would sing my heart out for Jesus. I knew Him. I would talk to Him. He was MY friend and somehow I knew , HIm and me had a bit of a different kind of relationship from the children back at church.
My best time of the week was walking home alone from church singing the few hymns I knew. I had no idea of salvation, or of sin and forgiveness. Jesus was just somehow 'there' for me. I was sent to Sunday School but my parents never came to church. I wished they would. Maybe Jesus could step in and stop the arguments.
Then the most awful thing in the world happened.
I took a black friend to church.
My friend had never been to church and I was anxious to get her there. I wanted her to know MY Jesus.
My friend was one of the only black girls in school.
In fact she had been born in the UK but her family was Indian. Actually, she was more coffee coloured than black. She was my best friend.
It just never occurred to me that people would refuse to sit in the same pew,
I had never realised until that point how deep prejudice could go.
My friend had been popular at school and so I had never really noticed how others might feel; but we went to school in a relatively down town area and church was in an affluent area. Actually, I had always felt out of place in that church myself as our house was smaller and my parents were not as rich.
Oh the shame and the burning anger. Here I was showing Jesus to someone and those who professed to love him were showing hate. Why should I bother with a church like that?
It wasn't Jesus I had the argument with. It was the church and when the Minister got a flashy sports car I had really had it.
Off ..Off....down into the angry spiral of backsliddeness. The church was a lie.
By the age of 16 I would take any drug I could lay my hands on. Losing a hold of His hand and angry about that and a family life that was more than difficult I became an ardent atheist.
A good friend never lets you down. Jesus is the best of friends and so while I was off on a trail of anger and destruction and rejection He was busy setting the things in motion that meant I would eventually find HIm again. He met me still running.
Living alone at the age of 17 and crying each lonely night into my pillow for the family I needed and the mess my life seemed to be, longing for love and to be able to cope with just getting through the day. Jesus found me again.
Through all the years of following Him there was something I could never understand. Things moved on and I found churches that wanted to be multicultural. We would pray for the congregation to stop being so 'white.' That early experience planted something in me.
Then, so many years after returning to the Lord with a failing marriage something happened to me. Life went well for years but then things happened that meant I needed God more than ever. It was the breaking point. The part where I really knew there was nothing good in me and that without Jesus I was nothing.
I went to a Christian retreat. I was just visiting a friend who worked here. I don't know the name of the black Pastor who I met there or the name of his church but when my friend greeted me at the door she told me there was going to be a prayer meeting just for ME!
This amazing man of God, whatever he had planned to do with his church members had called off everythng to pray into MY life! The prayer meeting went on and on. All about me. That level of care was amazing. Hours later they were still praying and the Pastor spoke into my life. He prophecied some thing and gave me a date. I wrote the date down and that prophecy came true.
If you knew what my life was like at that point. Even as a Christian life had got to a point where the best thing I could think of was to lay down and die. The issues were so difficult. I did not know what to do and my friend had told this Pastor about me. My friend says she used to say to the Lord 'surely she has had enough no,.' and then I would ring with somethiing worse to tell!
Time passed. Someone told me to go to a local church and that I would like it there. I remember going and being surprised as there were only about two other white people. I remember shaking the Pastor's hand and I probably told him to pray for me.
Then God stepped in in a powerful way.
Sitting in my living room I looked at the pills in my hand. Taking them would be a relief. With an effort of will I threw them accross the room. 'GOD. I cried, this is terrible. I have been serving you for so long but what do Christians do in this state?'
"Praise ME"
When all else is lost obedience is the only thing you have left.
I praised God for every bad and terrible thing.
The phone rang.
'The is Pastor G. The Holy Spirit told me I had to counsel you.'
Another black Pastor?
I think all he ever did was listen and pray. Six weeks later I was ok enough to stop the counselling. God healed me deep within from an abusive childhood, from an abusive marriage, from spiritual abuse in the church, from a myriad of hurt and pain. The mourning turned to dancing. How I LOVE to dance!
Some years later having been one of the only white people in his church I moved to the one I am in now. All I wanted to be was somehow quiet and in the background......
But when I got to my present church I ended up on the Board and as a Minister. God had plans for me all along.
I am one of the few white people in a black congregation............maybe all those years ago a pattern of events was set in motion that meant I would end up in my destiny.
God has your destiny all worked out. He knows exactly how to get you back into it if you walk out of it and the things you go through in life are always taken and used for His Glory. PRAISE HIM!
By the way, I write a lot for Jesus, poems, devotionals, stories and also on abuse issues - you can find some of it on http://www.mercyuk.org.uk and there is a creative forum you can contribute to I made - http://www.deborahssong.co.uk where I also put the things I write on abuse topics.
Thankfully, I met other Christians and realised not everyone was like that.
My chief experience of black people came from the selling of 'Sunny Smiles' in church. You had this book and sold the picture of the child and gave the money to the poor black children. That, and the fact my grandmother had what must have been one of the only black dolls available in the 1950's - she was beautiful.
Walking back from church each Sunday I would sing my heart out for Jesus. I knew Him. I would talk to Him. He was MY friend and somehow I knew , HIm and me had a bit of a different kind of relationship from the children back at church.
My best time of the week was walking home alone from church singing the few hymns I knew. I had no idea of salvation, or of sin and forgiveness. Jesus was just somehow 'there' for me. I was sent to Sunday School but my parents never came to church. I wished they would. Maybe Jesus could step in and stop the arguments.
Then the most awful thing in the world happened.
I took a black friend to church.
My friend had never been to church and I was anxious to get her there. I wanted her to know MY Jesus.
My friend was one of the only black girls in school.
In fact she had been born in the UK but her family was Indian. Actually, she was more coffee coloured than black. She was my best friend.
It just never occurred to me that people would refuse to sit in the same pew,
I had never realised until that point how deep prejudice could go.
My friend had been popular at school and so I had never really noticed how others might feel; but we went to school in a relatively down town area and church was in an affluent area. Actually, I had always felt out of place in that church myself as our house was smaller and my parents were not as rich.
Oh the shame and the burning anger. Here I was showing Jesus to someone and those who professed to love him were showing hate. Why should I bother with a church like that?
It wasn't Jesus I had the argument with. It was the church and when the Minister got a flashy sports car I had really had it.
Off ..Off....down into the angry spiral of backsliddeness. The church was a lie.
By the age of 16 I would take any drug I could lay my hands on. Losing a hold of His hand and angry about that and a family life that was more than difficult I became an ardent atheist.
A good friend never lets you down. Jesus is the best of friends and so while I was off on a trail of anger and destruction and rejection He was busy setting the things in motion that meant I would eventually find HIm again. He met me still running.
Living alone at the age of 17 and crying each lonely night into my pillow for the family I needed and the mess my life seemed to be, longing for love and to be able to cope with just getting through the day. Jesus found me again.
Through all the years of following Him there was something I could never understand. Things moved on and I found churches that wanted to be multicultural. We would pray for the congregation to stop being so 'white.' That early experience planted something in me.
Then, so many years after returning to the Lord with a failing marriage something happened to me. Life went well for years but then things happened that meant I needed God more than ever. It was the breaking point. The part where I really knew there was nothing good in me and that without Jesus I was nothing.
I went to a Christian retreat. I was just visiting a friend who worked here. I don't know the name of the black Pastor who I met there or the name of his church but when my friend greeted me at the door she told me there was going to be a prayer meeting just for ME!
This amazing man of God, whatever he had planned to do with his church members had called off everythng to pray into MY life! The prayer meeting went on and on. All about me. That level of care was amazing. Hours later they were still praying and the Pastor spoke into my life. He prophecied some thing and gave me a date. I wrote the date down and that prophecy came true.
If you knew what my life was like at that point. Even as a Christian life had got to a point where the best thing I could think of was to lay down and die. The issues were so difficult. I did not know what to do and my friend had told this Pastor about me. My friend says she used to say to the Lord 'surely she has had enough no,.' and then I would ring with somethiing worse to tell!
Time passed. Someone told me to go to a local church and that I would like it there. I remember going and being surprised as there were only about two other white people. I remember shaking the Pastor's hand and I probably told him to pray for me.
Then God stepped in in a powerful way.
Sitting in my living room I looked at the pills in my hand. Taking them would be a relief. With an effort of will I threw them accross the room. 'GOD. I cried, this is terrible. I have been serving you for so long but what do Christians do in this state?'
"Praise ME"
When all else is lost obedience is the only thing you have left.
I praised God for every bad and terrible thing.
The phone rang.
'The is Pastor G. The Holy Spirit told me I had to counsel you.'
Another black Pastor?
I think all he ever did was listen and pray. Six weeks later I was ok enough to stop the counselling. God healed me deep within from an abusive childhood, from an abusive marriage, from spiritual abuse in the church, from a myriad of hurt and pain. The mourning turned to dancing. How I LOVE to dance!
Some years later having been one of the only white people in his church I moved to the one I am in now. All I wanted to be was somehow quiet and in the background......
But when I got to my present church I ended up on the Board and as a Minister. God had plans for me all along.
I am one of the few white people in a black congregation............maybe all those years ago a pattern of events was set in motion that meant I would end up in my destiny.
God has your destiny all worked out. He knows exactly how to get you back into it if you walk out of it and the things you go through in life are always taken and used for His Glory. PRAISE HIM!
By the way, I write a lot for Jesus, poems, devotionals, stories and also on abuse issues - you can find some of it on http://www.mercyuk.org.uk and there is a creative forum you can contribute to I made - http://www.deborahssong.co.uk where I also put the things I write on abuse topics.
Thankfully, I met other Christians and realised not everyone was like that.
Comment
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Comment by T.L. Hawkins on June 23, 2009 at 10:13am
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Minister Hughs, thank you for this post and sharing your testimony. It really has touched my heart as well as answered some questions for me about my own life and God's will for it. Our stories are similiar, very similiar. I thank God for you today. Be Blessed and continue to BE a blessing to others.
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