WISDOM FOR TODAY
FIRST PENTECOSTAL CHURCH OF OAKDALE PASTOR T. R. KELLEY
SERIES: WISDOM FOR TODAY
LESSON 08: BE A PEACEMAKER, BE A PEACEKEEPER
BIBLE READING: JAMES 3:17; MATTHEW 5:9
James 3:17 – But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
James 3:17 (Amplified) – But the wisdom from above is first of all pure (undefiled); then it is peace-loving, courteous (considerate, gentle). [It is willing to] yield to reason, full of compassion and good fruits; it is wholehearted and straightforward, impartial and unfeigned (free from doubts, wavering, and insincerity).
James 3:17a (The Message) – Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others.
Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
I. INTRODUCTION
A. BEING A PEACEMAKER/PEACEKEEPER IS IMPORTANT
The Word of God puts a premium on living peaceably, on being a person who makes peace and then keeps the peace. But, it is something that is contradictory to our human natures.
There was a Nancy comic strip that illustrates just how contradictory to our human natures being a peacemaker and/or a peacekeeper can be.
- The strip has Sluggo say: “That new kid on our block is a big FAT HEAD.”
- Nancy remonstrates: “You shouldn’t call people names like that.”
- She adds, “I never call people nasty names.”
- Sluggo explains: “Well, I got mad when he said you were silly looking.”
- Nancy angrily demands: “What else did that big FAT HEAD have to say?”
Getting along with people is a hard thing to do.
- It’s a fact of life: if you live or work or associate in any way with people, you will experience conflict.
- The only way to escape it completely is to live in the desert or on the top of a mountain all alone.
- Sometimes that sounds pretty good but really, for most of us, it is not what we want and it’s not a realistic option anyway.
- So, we’re much better off if we listen to God’s Word and learn to handle the conflict that comes up from day to day.
When people live together and/or work together, some level of conflict is inevitable, even among the best of friends, because friction is a sign of life in relationships.
- Proverbs 27:17 – Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
Friction within a relationship isn’t necessarily bad.
- However, conflict doesn’t have to escalate into Word War III every time two people disagree.
- There is a way to resolve our differences peacefully, in a way that strengthens relationships rather than destroying them.
- This evening we will look at what the Bible says about the ways to handle inter-personal conflict in our lives.
B. WHY IS BEING A PEACEMAKER/PEACEKEEPER IS IMPORTANT?
Some people find it easy to dismiss their conduct with the excuse, “That’s just the way I am.”
- As children of God, however, we do not have the luxury of excusing our actions.
- We are not our own.
- We are bought with a price; therefore, we owe it to the One who purchased us to represent Him appropriately.
• I Corinthians 6:20 – For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
• I Corinthians 7:23 – Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
Both of these scriptures teach us that we do not belong to ourselves.
- We belong to him, so everything about us should bring honor and glory to him.
- I should not be the slave of any man – even if that man is me.
Why, though, would the Lord expect so much out of such imperfect people?
- What difference does it make in the long run, in the “big picture”?
I think the Bible is clear on the reasons that we must “live peaceably with all men,” as Romans 12:18 exhorts us, if it is possible and to the extent that we can control it.
1. You can make your personal life better – maybe even longer.
Proverbs 3:1-2 teaches us that if we will learn, remember, and obey the commands of the Lord, we can have a long, fulfilling, and peaceful life.
- That isn’t limited to the Ten Commandments.
- That includes living by His whole Word.
Think of all of the instruction and commands from the Bible.
- There are admonitions on how to act, what to do, when to speak, where to go, what to avoid, even how to refrain from conflicts with others.
- There is more than the spiritual value of doing what God says, there is also the value of making our lives more joyful and peaceful.
- Arguments always cause your blood pressure to fluctuate.
• Your stress levels go up.
• Your quality of life and your longevity go down.
2. You can be a builder or you can be a destroyer.
READ: Romans 14:13-19
Romans 14:13-19
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
14 I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.
16 Let not then your good be evil spoken of:
17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.
19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
Romans 14:13-19 (The Message)
13 Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.
14 I'm convinced — Jesus convinced me! — that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.
15 If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don't eat, you're no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet?
16 Don't you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!
17 God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy.
18 Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.
19 So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words;
The way we live – including the actions we take, the things we do – can edify our brothers and sisters in Christ or it can destroy them.
- We can build them up or we can tear them down.
- We have, in this passage, a specific admonition to make sure that, when we do something, our actions build up those around us.
- When we follow after the things that make for peace, we help our brothers and sisters to grow.
To do this, we would probably wise NOT to take the advice of one pastor I read about.
- This pastor took for his text the passage wherein we are admonished to turn the other cheek.
- After reading the text and closing his Bible, he began his interpretation of the text.
• Now, brethren and sisters, the Good Book tells us that if an enemy smacks you on one cheek, you turn the other cheek and let him smack you on that.
• But, brethren and sisters, the third lick, the third lick, I say, belongs to you!”
3. You can point people to the Lord.
READ: Hebrews 12:14; I Peter 3:1-2
Hebrews 12:14 – Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
Hebrews 12:14 (TEV) – Try to be at peace with everyone, and try to live a holy life, because no one will see the Lord without it.
1 Peter 3:1-2
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1b-2 (TEV) – “…if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word, because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.”
I realize that this verse in I Peter is written specifically to wives of lost husbands, but I believe that the principle placed here before us transcends gender as it relates to winning others to God – especially friends and family members.
- Our peacefulness is a living testimony to others that Jesus Christ is real and makes a difference in our lives.
- When we live lives that promote peace, we testify to the “peace that passes all understanding” that only Jesus can give a person.
II. PUTTING BELIEF INTO ACTION
Well, like everything else we’ve studied in this series about applying God’s wisdom to our everyday lives, it looks good on paper.
- But, as with the other lessons, putting feet on it isn’t always as easy as explaining what we should do and why.
- Perhaps the reason we find it so difficult to put our beliefs into action is that our natural tendency in applying these truths to our lives is to make it applicable to someone other than ourselves.
- But if we will really take this to heart and say, “The buck stops with me; the application of God’s Word starts with me,” we will see the blessings of God.
- Our problems usually arise when we ignore God’s instruction for us personally and we apply it to others.
READ: Proverbs 20:3
Proverbs 20:3 – It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.
Proverbs 20:3 (The Message) – It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights.
Proverbs 20:3 (TEV) – Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them.
Notice, it doesn’t say you should ignore strife, it says you should cease from it.
- We are sometimes good at striking the match and throwing it into a pile of wood, then acting like there won’t be any fire.
If there is friction in a relationship, you have to deal with it. Ignoring a problem will not make it go away. You have to work to resolve it. And, you’re much better off if you can learn to cease from creating the conflict altogether before it becomes a problem.
Quickly, I want us to see some ways that we can handle conflict.
- Some of these ideas will help you avoid conflict, others will help you resolve conflict.
- Either way, it will reduce the amount of stress in your life and maximize your relationships.
- So, let’s look at each one closely.
A. WAYS TO HANDLE CONFLICT
1. Delay your reaction.
The first thing that will help you handle conflict in your life is to delay any reaction you might have.
- When someone makes us mad, we have a tendency to want to let them know about it right away.
- Somewhere along the line we’ve been told that it isn’t healthy to fume and fret and that we should get things off our chest immediately.
- We’ve been told “holding it in” only makes the problem worse, and so we use that as an excuse to let the other guy have it the minute something happens that we don’t like.
If you have used this strategy in dealing with conflict, you have probably already learned that it doesn’t work.
- Sure, you blow off some steam, and you might feel a little better, but if you vent a little too much, you often cause more damage than you can repair.
- And, more often than not, you end up looking foolish.
Obviously, if you’re having conflict with another person, you can’t hold it in forever.
- However, when there is conflict in a relationship, you can, and should, delay your reaction long enough to evaluate what is going on.
- Flying off the handle is easy, flying back on the handle can be a tricky maneuver.
- Listen, before you blow up in anger at someone, give yourself some time to think things over.
READ: Proverbs 12:16
Proverbs 12:16 – A fool’s wrath is presently known: but a prudent man covereth shame.
Proverbs 12:16 (The Message) – Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly; the prudent quietly shrug off insults.
Another translation of that same verse states it this way: A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
A delayed reaction will give you time to evaluate the situation, and help you determine if it really is worth discussing.
- Maybe after thinking it over you will realize that you overreacted.
- Maybe you'll discover you didn't have all the facts.
- Maybe you'll discover that things weren't what they seemed to be.
• Waiting to react will give you time to reflect, will make you seem like someone of great understanding AND will save you from having to apologize later.
Proverbs 14:17 – He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly…
Proverbs 14:29 – He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
The first thing that will help you handle conflict is a delayed reaction.
- Think of it this way: if you have a problem with procrastination, this is one area where it will come in handy.
- Procrastinate your anger.
- Delay, at least for a few hours, flying off the handle, until you’ve had some time to evaluate the situation.
The second thing you need to do is...
2. Respond firmly but gently.
When you’re in conflict with another person, you don’t have to put heat on your words in order to have impact.
- You only have to be willing to follow through on what you say.
- The problem is, sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that it is easier to intimidate someone by yelling and screaming than it is to actually deal with the problem at hand.
- We need to keep in mind what Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
- Proverbs 29:11 (TEV) – Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back.
It has been said that the less weight your words carry, the more volume you have to put behind them.
- Whenever you're attempting to resolve conflicts with someone, say what you need to say gently, and say it firmly.
- Don't make threats you do not intend to carry out.
- Just say what you mean and mean what you say.
Too often, we take the opposite approach.
- We yell and scream.
- We get huffy.
- We make sarcastic remarks.
- As a result, nothing ever gets resolved.
If you’re having conflict with someone, say what you need to say. Make an effort to say it gently —you don’t have to be cruel. Make an effort to say it firmly. Without threats or ultimatums simply tell the other person your perspective on the problem. Remember Proverbs 15:1.
Perhaps we should strive to be like the saintly-looking old fellow who was running to catch the bus.
- Just as he appeared to be winning the race, the bus driver with a fiendish smirk, pulled away from the curb and the wheels splashed muddy water over the old man.
• Softly, the old gentleman murmured, “May his soul find peace.”
• Still, more softly, he added, “And the sooner the better.”
Proverbs 15:1 – A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NLT) – A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
3. Strive for a solution.
Think of the conflict you’re currently facing.
- Do you find yourself having the same argument again and again, day after day?
- Do you find yourself repeatedly telling someone (or repeatedly being told) everything that is wrong with the relationship, yet nothing ever gets fixed?
This is the course too many marriages, friendships, parent-child relationships, and work-related conflicts tend to take.
- People want to go on and on and on about the problem, but they don’t want to work towards finding a solution.
Most people, when someone is mad at them, are not nearly as interested in hearing what they’ve done wrong as they are in hearing what they can do to make things better.
- Obviously, discussing the problem is part of finding a solution, but if all one does is talk about the problem, nothing will ever get fixed.
If you’re having conflict with someone, it’s because they’re doing something you don’t want them to do, or you’re doing something they don’t want you to do.
- In order to resolve the conflict, one of you will have to change your behavior, or the other will have to change the way they feel about the behavior.
- By the way, if the conflict is with your boss, guess which one of you will have to change.
If you want to resolve the conflict in your life, you have to be willing to let go of the conflict, and direct your attention to a solution, (See Proverbs 15:18).
Proverbs 15:18 – A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
Proverbs 15:18 (The Message) – Hot tempers start fights; a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.
Strive for a solution to conflict.
- You don’t have to keep reminding the other person what they did wrong.
- Once they have taken steps to make peace, you have to be willing to let it go.
Don’t be like the man from California who had gone through a divorce; and in California, the laws require the payment of alimony as well as child support.
- He found a company that specialized in printing personal checks and ordered, in the words of the salesman who filled his order, the most unusual set of personalized checks he had ever seen or sold.
- This man wanted a very special picture printed on his checks; and it seems that he wanted his order of checks to be printed for the sole purpose of making these alimony payments to his former wife.
- Guess what picture he had printed on the check?
• It was a picture showing him beautifully kissing his new wife!
Spiritually mature people aren’t interested in keeping conflict alive.
- They are, as Solomon said, more inclined to calm a quarrel...to avoid strife...to cover a wrong whenever possible.
If you’re in conflict with another person, you can’t ignore the conflict.
- You have to deal with it.
• You deal with it by striving for a solution, not by revisiting the past day after day.
III. CONCLUSION
We have an obligation as believers to live peaceful lives if it is at all possible.
- We need to be people who promote peacefulness.
- We don’t need to be antagonistic with our adversaries.
- Our attitudes and actions toward being peacemakers and peacekeepers will do us good – it’ll prolong our days and make them happier times at that.
- And, most of all, it points people to the One who makes the difference in our lives.
But even beyond that…
There are going to be times when conflicts arise and we need to know how to deal with them in a way that glorifies Christ. If you have a job, if you have a spouse, if you have children, if you have neighbors, if you have friends, if you go to church...you will have conflict in your life. But you don’t have to live and/or work in a war zone. You can avoid or resolve the conflict in your life by approaching it with wisdom.
That means:
- Delay your reaction.
- Speak your mind gently but firmly.
- Work for a solution.
Try this, and you will experience peace in your relationships.
SERIES: WISDOM FOR TODAY
LESSON 08: BE A PEACEMAKER, BE A PEACEKEEPER
BIBLE READING: JAMES 3:17; MATTHEW 5:9
James 3:17 – But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
James 3:17 (Amplified) – But the wisdom from above is first of all pure (undefiled); then it is peace-loving, courteous (considerate, gentle). [It is willing to] yield to reason, full of compassion and good fruits; it is wholehearted and straightforward, impartial and unfeigned (free from doubts, wavering, and insincerity).
James 3:17a (The Message) – Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others.
Matthew 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
I. INTRODUCTION
A. BEING A PEACEMAKER/PEACEKEEPER IS IMPORTANT
The Word of God puts a premium on living peaceably, on being a person who makes peace and then keeps the peace. But, it is something that is contradictory to our human natures.
There was a Nancy comic strip that illustrates just how contradictory to our human natures being a peacemaker and/or a peacekeeper can be.
- The strip has Sluggo say: “That new kid on our block is a big FAT HEAD.”
- Nancy remonstrates: “You shouldn’t call people names like that.”
- She adds, “I never call people nasty names.”
- Sluggo explains: “Well, I got mad when he said you were silly looking.”
- Nancy angrily demands: “What else did that big FAT HEAD have to say?”
Getting along with people is a hard thing to do.
- It’s a fact of life: if you live or work or associate in any way with people, you will experience conflict.
- The only way to escape it completely is to live in the desert or on the top of a mountain all alone.
- Sometimes that sounds pretty good but really, for most of us, it is not what we want and it’s not a realistic option anyway.
- So, we’re much better off if we listen to God’s Word and learn to handle the conflict that comes up from day to day.
When people live together and/or work together, some level of conflict is inevitable, even among the best of friends, because friction is a sign of life in relationships.
- Proverbs 27:17 – Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
Friction within a relationship isn’t necessarily bad.
- However, conflict doesn’t have to escalate into Word War III every time two people disagree.
- There is a way to resolve our differences peacefully, in a way that strengthens relationships rather than destroying them.
- This evening we will look at what the Bible says about the ways to handle inter-personal conflict in our lives.
B. WHY IS BEING A PEACEMAKER/PEACEKEEPER IS IMPORTANT?
Some people find it easy to dismiss their conduct with the excuse, “That’s just the way I am.”
- As children of God, however, we do not have the luxury of excusing our actions.
- We are not our own.
- We are bought with a price; therefore, we owe it to the One who purchased us to represent Him appropriately.
• I Corinthians 6:20 – For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
• I Corinthians 7:23 – Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
Both of these scriptures teach us that we do not belong to ourselves.
- We belong to him, so everything about us should bring honor and glory to him.
- I should not be the slave of any man – even if that man is me.
Why, though, would the Lord expect so much out of such imperfect people?
- What difference does it make in the long run, in the “big picture”?
I think the Bible is clear on the reasons that we must “live peaceably with all men,” as Romans 12:18 exhorts us, if it is possible and to the extent that we can control it.
1. You can make your personal life better – maybe even longer.
Proverbs 3:1-2 teaches us that if we will learn, remember, and obey the commands of the Lord, we can have a long, fulfilling, and peaceful life.
- That isn’t limited to the Ten Commandments.
- That includes living by His whole Word.
Think of all of the instruction and commands from the Bible.
- There are admonitions on how to act, what to do, when to speak, where to go, what to avoid, even how to refrain from conflicts with others.
- There is more than the spiritual value of doing what God says, there is also the value of making our lives more joyful and peaceful.
- Arguments always cause your blood pressure to fluctuate.
• Your stress levels go up.
• Your quality of life and your longevity go down.
2. You can be a builder or you can be a destroyer.
READ: Romans 14:13-19
Romans 14:13-19
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
14 I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.
16 Let not then your good be evil spoken of:
17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.
19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
Romans 14:13-19 (The Message)
13 Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is.
14 I'm convinced — Jesus convinced me! — that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.
15 If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don't eat, you're no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet?
16 Don't you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!
17 God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy.
18 Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.
19 So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words;
The way we live – including the actions we take, the things we do – can edify our brothers and sisters in Christ or it can destroy them.
- We can build them up or we can tear them down.
- We have, in this passage, a specific admonition to make sure that, when we do something, our actions build up those around us.
- When we follow after the things that make for peace, we help our brothers and sisters to grow.
To do this, we would probably wise NOT to take the advice of one pastor I read about.
- This pastor took for his text the passage wherein we are admonished to turn the other cheek.
- After reading the text and closing his Bible, he began his interpretation of the text.
• Now, brethren and sisters, the Good Book tells us that if an enemy smacks you on one cheek, you turn the other cheek and let him smack you on that.
• But, brethren and sisters, the third lick, the third lick, I say, belongs to you!”
3. You can point people to the Lord.
READ: Hebrews 12:14; I Peter 3:1-2
Hebrews 12:14 – Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
Hebrews 12:14 (TEV) – Try to be at peace with everyone, and try to live a holy life, because no one will see the Lord without it.
1 Peter 3:1-2
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1b-2 (TEV) – “…if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word, because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.”
I realize that this verse in I Peter is written specifically to wives of lost husbands, but I believe that the principle placed here before us transcends gender as it relates to winning others to God – especially friends and family members.
- Our peacefulness is a living testimony to others that Jesus Christ is real and makes a difference in our lives.
- When we live lives that promote peace, we testify to the “peace that passes all understanding” that only Jesus can give a person.
II. PUTTING BELIEF INTO ACTION
Well, like everything else we’ve studied in this series about applying God’s wisdom to our everyday lives, it looks good on paper.
- But, as with the other lessons, putting feet on it isn’t always as easy as explaining what we should do and why.
- Perhaps the reason we find it so difficult to put our beliefs into action is that our natural tendency in applying these truths to our lives is to make it applicable to someone other than ourselves.
- But if we will really take this to heart and say, “The buck stops with me; the application of God’s Word starts with me,” we will see the blessings of God.
- Our problems usually arise when we ignore God’s instruction for us personally and we apply it to others.
READ: Proverbs 20:3
Proverbs 20:3 – It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.
Proverbs 20:3 (The Message) – It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights.
Proverbs 20:3 (TEV) – Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them.
Notice, it doesn’t say you should ignore strife, it says you should cease from it.
- We are sometimes good at striking the match and throwing it into a pile of wood, then acting like there won’t be any fire.
If there is friction in a relationship, you have to deal with it. Ignoring a problem will not make it go away. You have to work to resolve it. And, you’re much better off if you can learn to cease from creating the conflict altogether before it becomes a problem.
Quickly, I want us to see some ways that we can handle conflict.
- Some of these ideas will help you avoid conflict, others will help you resolve conflict.
- Either way, it will reduce the amount of stress in your life and maximize your relationships.
- So, let’s look at each one closely.
A. WAYS TO HANDLE CONFLICT
1. Delay your reaction.
The first thing that will help you handle conflict in your life is to delay any reaction you might have.
- When someone makes us mad, we have a tendency to want to let them know about it right away.
- Somewhere along the line we’ve been told that it isn’t healthy to fume and fret and that we should get things off our chest immediately.
- We’ve been told “holding it in” only makes the problem worse, and so we use that as an excuse to let the other guy have it the minute something happens that we don’t like.
If you have used this strategy in dealing with conflict, you have probably already learned that it doesn’t work.
- Sure, you blow off some steam, and you might feel a little better, but if you vent a little too much, you often cause more damage than you can repair.
- And, more often than not, you end up looking foolish.
Obviously, if you’re having conflict with another person, you can’t hold it in forever.
- However, when there is conflict in a relationship, you can, and should, delay your reaction long enough to evaluate what is going on.
- Flying off the handle is easy, flying back on the handle can be a tricky maneuver.
- Listen, before you blow up in anger at someone, give yourself some time to think things over.
READ: Proverbs 12:16
Proverbs 12:16 – A fool’s wrath is presently known: but a prudent man covereth shame.
Proverbs 12:16 (The Message) – Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly; the prudent quietly shrug off insults.
Another translation of that same verse states it this way: A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
A delayed reaction will give you time to evaluate the situation, and help you determine if it really is worth discussing.
- Maybe after thinking it over you will realize that you overreacted.
- Maybe you'll discover you didn't have all the facts.
- Maybe you'll discover that things weren't what they seemed to be.
• Waiting to react will give you time to reflect, will make you seem like someone of great understanding AND will save you from having to apologize later.
Proverbs 14:17 – He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly…
Proverbs 14:29 – He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
The first thing that will help you handle conflict is a delayed reaction.
- Think of it this way: if you have a problem with procrastination, this is one area where it will come in handy.
- Procrastinate your anger.
- Delay, at least for a few hours, flying off the handle, until you’ve had some time to evaluate the situation.
The second thing you need to do is...
2. Respond firmly but gently.
When you’re in conflict with another person, you don’t have to put heat on your words in order to have impact.
- You only have to be willing to follow through on what you say.
- The problem is, sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that it is easier to intimidate someone by yelling and screaming than it is to actually deal with the problem at hand.
- We need to keep in mind what Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
- Proverbs 29:11 (TEV) – Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back.
It has been said that the less weight your words carry, the more volume you have to put behind them.
- Whenever you're attempting to resolve conflicts with someone, say what you need to say gently, and say it firmly.
- Don't make threats you do not intend to carry out.
- Just say what you mean and mean what you say.
Too often, we take the opposite approach.
- We yell and scream.
- We get huffy.
- We make sarcastic remarks.
- As a result, nothing ever gets resolved.
If you’re having conflict with someone, say what you need to say. Make an effort to say it gently —you don’t have to be cruel. Make an effort to say it firmly. Without threats or ultimatums simply tell the other person your perspective on the problem. Remember Proverbs 15:1.
Perhaps we should strive to be like the saintly-looking old fellow who was running to catch the bus.
- Just as he appeared to be winning the race, the bus driver with a fiendish smirk, pulled away from the curb and the wheels splashed muddy water over the old man.
• Softly, the old gentleman murmured, “May his soul find peace.”
• Still, more softly, he added, “And the sooner the better.”
Proverbs 15:1 – A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NLT) – A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
3. Strive for a solution.
Think of the conflict you’re currently facing.
- Do you find yourself having the same argument again and again, day after day?
- Do you find yourself repeatedly telling someone (or repeatedly being told) everything that is wrong with the relationship, yet nothing ever gets fixed?
This is the course too many marriages, friendships, parent-child relationships, and work-related conflicts tend to take.
- People want to go on and on and on about the problem, but they don’t want to work towards finding a solution.
Most people, when someone is mad at them, are not nearly as interested in hearing what they’ve done wrong as they are in hearing what they can do to make things better.
- Obviously, discussing the problem is part of finding a solution, but if all one does is talk about the problem, nothing will ever get fixed.
If you’re having conflict with someone, it’s because they’re doing something you don’t want them to do, or you’re doing something they don’t want you to do.
- In order to resolve the conflict, one of you will have to change your behavior, or the other will have to change the way they feel about the behavior.
- By the way, if the conflict is with your boss, guess which one of you will have to change.
If you want to resolve the conflict in your life, you have to be willing to let go of the conflict, and direct your attention to a solution, (See Proverbs 15:18).
Proverbs 15:18 – A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
Proverbs 15:18 (The Message) – Hot tempers start fights; a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.
Strive for a solution to conflict.
- You don’t have to keep reminding the other person what they did wrong.
- Once they have taken steps to make peace, you have to be willing to let it go.
Don’t be like the man from California who had gone through a divorce; and in California, the laws require the payment of alimony as well as child support.
- He found a company that specialized in printing personal checks and ordered, in the words of the salesman who filled his order, the most unusual set of personalized checks he had ever seen or sold.
- This man wanted a very special picture printed on his checks; and it seems that he wanted his order of checks to be printed for the sole purpose of making these alimony payments to his former wife.
- Guess what picture he had printed on the check?
• It was a picture showing him beautifully kissing his new wife!
Spiritually mature people aren’t interested in keeping conflict alive.
- They are, as Solomon said, more inclined to calm a quarrel...to avoid strife...to cover a wrong whenever possible.
If you’re in conflict with another person, you can’t ignore the conflict.
- You have to deal with it.
• You deal with it by striving for a solution, not by revisiting the past day after day.
III. CONCLUSION
We have an obligation as believers to live peaceful lives if it is at all possible.
- We need to be people who promote peacefulness.
- We don’t need to be antagonistic with our adversaries.
- Our attitudes and actions toward being peacemakers and peacekeepers will do us good – it’ll prolong our days and make them happier times at that.
- And, most of all, it points people to the One who makes the difference in our lives.
But even beyond that…
There are going to be times when conflicts arise and we need to know how to deal with them in a way that glorifies Christ. If you have a job, if you have a spouse, if you have children, if you have neighbors, if you have friends, if you go to church...you will have conflict in your life. But you don’t have to live and/or work in a war zone. You can avoid or resolve the conflict in your life by approaching it with wisdom.
That means:
- Delay your reaction.
- Speak your mind gently but firmly.
- Work for a solution.
Try this, and you will experience peace in your relationships.
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