Infidelity & Cheating in a marriage...If a child is born as a result, should the spouse except the child?

[Child of the Kingdom]

If a child is born as a result of infidelity and cheating in a marriage should the spouse accept the child? More and more this is a topic amongst believers and non-believers. It is very touchy because many feel that the child being innocent in all of this deserves to have both mom and dad. What say ye?

For the sake of discussion and because this is the most common scenario, we will use the husband. Please understand what you are asking to suggest that a wife accepts her husbands child born out of infidelity. I do know of case where the wife did accept this and the husband ultimately ended up leaving her for the woman whose child he fathered.

In saying that, is it wrong if a wife decides to play the role of Sarah and demand that her husband send the woman and her child packing with no further contact.

Genesis 21:10
Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.

[Evangelist Altha Fugett]

This question hinges on the ability of the victim(the wife) being able to forgive her husband, in that forgiveness is love and one cannot say they love someone and not love that which is part of him. This is not about the child, and if complete forgiveness cannot be forthcoming from the wife, that child should be no where near her. For it results in killing that childs spirit.

It is hard to accept that NO CHILD is a mistake, I don't care if they were borne out of wedlock, an affair, rape or promuiscuity, God knew them before conception.

The husband is the covering, and he must be the banner over his household, if the wife decides to forgive, he should take all steps to secure her self-esteem and security, and not allow any baby mama's drama.
The wife must understand that wether she forgives her husband or not, acept this child or not, that MAN still has a responsibilty to that child.

[Child of the Kingdom]

Sister Fugett even though my parents aren't saved, I believe that there is nothing wrong with nothing dealing with the child of infidelity. This is not always healthy for the marriage regardless. It usually doesn't end up right. I know of many different scenarios that have proven this to be true.

It is different if there was a child before marriage because then you knew what you were getting into. But if the child came as a result of infidelity DURING MARRIAGE, the spouse does not have to except that.

I have first hand knowledge of this because my mom and stepfather just settled their divorce last week. After years of hurting, my mom is finally a single woman again. Her husband whom she has been with more than 20 years, fathered a child with another woman and hurt her. When a child is added to the equation it is very difficult (not impossible) to recover the trust in a marriage, especially if your mate continues an active relationship with the child. That means also a continued relationship with the child's mother. Single men and women know exactly what is involved when they knowingly engage in sexual relationships with someone else's spouse. If a child is born then they can not expect the spouse of the individual to understand and except the child.

My stepfather actually had the nerve to show my mother pictures of his son at the court house. My mom is a sweet lady so she showed him pictures of the grandchildren.

[Evangelist Altha Fugett]

I do understand where you are coming from, it is very hard when a child is involved, this is a situation where I would truthfully say that most women need to walk away as your mom did. Because of peace sake, just like with Sarah and Hagar, there was no peace between them.

I will give you almost a flip side, I have an unsaved aunt who before her marriage to my uncle, told him under no circumstances would she accept his son by a previous relationship. He accepted this, and live as alcoholic and died from it. This was the way he dealt with it, other's under the situation you posed, without the option of a relationship with their child might opt to just lie and live a doubled life.

Needless to say the woman that had the grace to endure this is blessed

[Toni]

yes the woman who has the grace to deal with this IS blessed... and born again for reall too.

This is the case with my best friend who is also in ministry. Her first husband went and had twins with another woman while he was married to my friend. My friend helped to raise those boys. Now, she had had an encounter with Christ, but her husband had not... she choose to stay with him until he did something that landed him in jail. In due course she divorced him (took her years to do this). She re-married June 2008, to a beautiful man of God. The twin boys (young adults now) keep in touch, saying she treated them better than their daddy did. Her ex is still in prison, saying how she was the best thing to happen to him and he didnt have sense to know it.

Now, in the days before my friend was saved for real? Aint no telling what would'a happened: my girl was born and raised in cabrini green. I didnt know her then, but I have heard testimonies

[Evangelist Altha Fugett]

See it can be done, and she gained sons from it. That's a testimony that out shines cabrini green

[Toni]

yes, amen

[Child of the Kingdom]

Realistically though, for most this scenario ends in broken marriage covenants and hurt families. I too know of a case wear a beautiful saved woman I know personally chose to forgive her husband and she even baby sat his child. (She was her husbands age and the other woman was much, much younger) Well this guy didn't stop there, he eventually had another child with the other woman. When there is a continued relationship, the other woman usually keeps her claws in until she ends the marriage. In this case he refuse to divorce his wife, but he did leave her and bought a house for Himself, the other woman and their children.

This guy was my stepfather's best friend. (Go figure). I think my stepfather has hopes that we will all be one big happy family as well. When I talked with him a few weeks ago he told me how nice the other woman was and that she knows we will always be in his life. I asked him if little Ronnie new he had brothers and sisters. His answer was no. I just don't see that keeping in touch is good because it forces you to chose between families in most cases.

God has blessed the sanctity of marriage and bringing another woman and a child into it does not go with God's plan. God favors the marriage over the other woman and the child.

Genesis 21

10. Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.

11. And the thing was very grievous in Abraham's sight because of his son.

12. And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.

[Evangelist Altha Fugett]

Again understanding where one is coming from, you are speaking from the OLD an example to us that we are not to input into God's plan, if it wasn't for Sarah offering Hagar to Abraham, and not believing that God would do what he said, she would not have found herself in that situation.

In the real ...Jesus said that divorce is not permissible except for unfaithfulness. This does not mean divorce SHOULD automatically occur. The word translated "unfaithfulness" implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of audultery.

Those who discover their partner has been unfaithful should make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are to always look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it. Should a child be one of those excuses?

[Child of the Kingdom]

I am in no way saying don't try to restore the relationship. My point is, when a child is in the equation, it becomes more difficult. For the record, my mom didn't end the marriage, my stepfather did. He said that the Other woman didn't understand why they couldn't just be a family. So you see, the other woman uses the child to impact decisions.

In forgiving your spouse it is left up to the woman to decide if she wants the child in the equation. If the wife says no then the husband must understand this if he wishes to keep his marriage. Baby mama drama is almost always the reason for failed relationships when infidelity is involved. The woman uses the child as ammunition to bust up the marriage especially if he she wants continued sexual contact with the man. I know you have heard the excuse of You need to come over because little Ronnie is sick. And when he gets there she greets him in her birthday suit.

Without having many scriptural references of how to deal with this, I think the story of Sarah and Abraham are enough to say don't deal with the bondwoman and her child. They can ruin a marriage.

[Toni]

EW, its a sad, emotionally damaging situation. Abraham got ahead of God, Sarah wa trying to play God, and they all paid for his indiscretion. Still are today for Arabs and Israelites still have no affinity for each other.

My friend had a level of fortitude that had been built in long before I knew her, and before her first marriage. She was (and is) a strong woman. I have to ask you in love: you said your stepdad and mom divorced because of his infidelity and the baby that came from the outside relationship. Then you mention your step dads best friend did his wife the same way? Are you serious?

Sometimes, it is so sad.... so sad... but some women progress to a place where they are despised by their husbands, even in a case like this when the husband has stepped out on his wife.

[Child of the Kingdom]

My step dads best friend had an older wife and THE OTHER WOMAN is much younger. This is the same case with my mother. She is older and THE OTHER WOMAN is much younger. So when my mom and I talk about this, we see that he is following the pattern of his buddy. The only difference is the buddy won't divorce his wife but still lives with THE OTHER WOMAN. Same difference. His children refuse to accept the other children because of how badly this hurts their mom.

My step dad is doing things a little differently. THE OTHER WOMAN, has used the child as an ultimatum, do this or else. She wants marriage and for a long time he refused to divorce my mom. She asked him for this years ago and he would not do it. Well with the pressure from the other side he decided to end things with my mother but he still wants us all to be one big happy family. YEAH RIGHT. If he truly wanted this then he would not keep the child from knowing us.

[Evangelist Altha Fugett]

EW, with all due respect, your mom should have left your step-dad a while back, he was living a sinful LIFESTYLE. My mother was unsaved too a long while as I was saved, so I understand that may have been a chore in relaying that message to her. But she lost out because the other woman demanded the right thing. It's either me or her.