To all my friends on this network and all the true men and women of God, I have great need. I would per-adventure to say that I'm not the only one, but for some reason when we accept our calling or are legally ordained under man's religious ceremonies, we wrongly get this notion that we should have it all together. Perhaps we believe that we should really know something amazing and powerful all of a sudden? Many have become self proclaimed prophets and flawless leaders, save me—I’m just pressing forward hoping that Father will accept my humble offerings!
I'm reaching out through this post hoping to shake the bushes so that those who are truly sold out for Father and can bear true witnesses to Father's ways will reach out to me mainly through prayer. I'm thinking of the scripture wherein the word state that "the prayers of a righteous man availeth much!"
I need your prayers. I find myself in a storm that reminds of me of the stories in the bible where even the disciples failed to avail as they tried to walk according to what Jesus had taught them. One story is where men tried to cast our demons based on what they had seen rather than what was in their hearts or demonstrative in their spiritual walk with Christ. They failed and the demons reminded them quickly that they knew of Jesus and the disciples but not them. Again when the disciples tried to cast out a legion of demons they failed and Jesus explained that this comes through fasting and praying.
I’ve reached a point in my spiritual walk that I need to have more than words or Faith that is easily demonstrated during the calm or festive seasons of my life. I can’t explain it, but I know that where I am now, the attacks are so great that it would be easy to lie down and say I gave it my best shot, but I don’t see how I can make it through this. I find myself timidly asking the question why? Timid because I know there is a God and I know that Jesus suffered much for us so who am I to whine when I suffer, but honestly, and this is just one area where I want God to help me, because I know if I’m to serve Him, I can’t give “man answers” to deep rooted hurts anymore, I’ve got to be so submissive that I’m able to let go and let God give the God answers.
Let me explain, when someone is suffering, we often say, God’s got it or God has you, when we don’t know the heart of the person (unless Father has revealed it) we don’t know the extent of their sufferings (unless we have suffered it as well, but it still will differ because each individual have different tolerances and some have no support groups and even more true, when the pain is great and pressing, the person is looking for the pain to stop, not to hear encouraging words without power), and we truly mean well by quoting the scriptures which is wise as God’s word is in itself power, but our Faith ignites that power. So I ask myself regi, Miss so called Evangelist with your awesome gift to encourage and stir up, where is your faith now that you are in the bottomless pit? What do you do now?
I cry, I’m weak, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m afraid. While one might say, you are not alone for God never leaves or forsakes you; the loneliness and fear of the unknown becomes real and tangible and visible and somewhere inside I cry timidly, “then please show yourself now Father, I don’t want to look back at the footprints in the sand, I want to know and need to know You are here right now, for now is real for me and now is the need!” I watch those that are not facing what the other person is facing have very good words--(including me, although I’ve tried not to do this anymore—I listen, empathize and sympathize, and if there is something I can do and I’m lead to do I do, but mostly I pray ,for God is the one with the answer, I’m just an instrument for Him. I can’t help but think that when the person is facing the storm, the words need to take on life as they did when the disciples feared the boat would perish in the storm and Jesus waved His hand and spoke peace be still! I need the storm calmed in my life, I need the hope replenished. The word of Father needs to accomplish and move less I faint.
What am I asking? Heck if I know, but those reading this who have an ear and whose heart God places it on will know exactly what it is and know exactly what to do. The prayers of the righteous availeth much. I’m of the mindset to believe that we are Christians, be it leaders or servants as we all serve Father, must bear the infirmities of the weak. The bible clearly tells us of the weaknesses and the trials we will face, I wish and pray that we will be able to come together on each other’s behalf and truly with a whole hearts intercede for our fellow Christians. I sometimes think that we should not want for anything, particularly anything that sustains our life, and that we should be walking in the promises of God, being about His business, but we all have our own agendas and our ministries that are so different from the other man’s or many say better than our fellow brother or sister, but shouldn’t we all be of one spirit and on one accord, never meting (measuring) our growth in comparison, but helping to equip one another to be everything Father wants His soldiers to be?
I find myself hard pressed to hold on to my faith when I look at the world the religious world that represents Father, because I see no power, just fancy words and I question myself; I doubt at times, and when suffering to boot, it becomes even more of a struggle to hold on. I don’t see true deliverance, or true anointing, I see fighting. There is doctrinal fighting, religious laws fighting, male verses female fighting, ordination fighting, questioning of other’s calling, when as I’ve cried out on many occasions, people are hurting and suffering because we are weak and for the most power useless in the kingdom. Let His Kingdom come and His will be done, then our little finite weak religious wills are of not consequence as we become completely subjective to His will!
I don’t take my call lightly, and I do believe that I’m going to screw up more and more. I’m under such great attack, and this time I can say it’s not self inflicted or I believe it’s not. The questions are: Is it from Satan, (allowed by Father for nothing happens without Him) or Is Father trying to teach me something. I feel He’s trying to get me to be totally dependent on Him. I fear He’s answering my prayers and I’m falling apart through the furnace process. I want to believe that Father loves my sincerity and broken and contrite spirit and my brutal honest confessions of my fears and lack of knowledge. I want to think that Father has me and that He wants me to look only to Him, which makes me question putting out this blog, then I say, but Father, I’m only asking for the support of my fellow saints even if of the 12,000 members there is only 1 true to you, I look for the support Father, for you your word says that the prayers of the righteous avails much!
I don’t know about you, but I need Father greatly. This is a very trying time for me. I cry daily and all night, my heart is weak. I’m afraid and I don’t know what to do or how to move. I want to be still and trust God, but something tells me (perhaps the teaching of the world and the many failures in the church) that I need to fix this the best I can. If I don’t move I will be without anything. Then again, I’ve always called myself fixing stuff and it doesn’t last. I want my life to be like it is when I speak for Father. I prepare, but I pray and ask God to speak through me. He does and when He does, I’m baffled in a good way for His kindness; I love it! So how is it that I find myself anxious, desperate, hurting, scared, fearful, lonely, and weary to name a few? How is it saints that I can’t jump up out of bed and thank God with my whole and sincere heart for everything that is coming my way? I need to be here, at this place with Father, but I’m not, I hate it, but I’m not here and I need to get here fast. I’ve asked Him over and over with a sincere heart to teach me to Love Him more than I do, to love Him in a manner that will be pleasing to Him and wherein my life honors Him. I’ve asked to walk in full power and anointing; Holy Spirit filled and lead, with Godly love, and never in self. I’ve asked to be a true vessel for Him so that I lean not to my own understanding. I never dreamed the answer would result in this attack. I’m not certain my faith can make it through the storm.
Saints please seek God on my behalf and on behalf of all those who love Him and are hungry for Him and desire to be in His service. I’ve got to believe all that seek Him whole heartily will suffer greatly, but I it doesn’t change the need, the reality and the fear. Plus, His promises are greater than the sufferings. Can we come together on one accord and lift up the saints? We need to support one another. Even those that continue to spew out religious propaganda because life is smiling on them, or they don’t realize they are walking in self doctrine and Christ is no where to be found; or those who have puffed themselves up and esteem themselves higher than they are, we need to pray for them, because the words says, if they are not against me, they are for me; meaning, if they are sharing the gospel, even for selfish motives, the seeds are still planted and fruit will still grow in fertile soil; He will separate the wheat and the tare.
If you seek Father on my behalf, I will greatly appreciate it. I truly need the support; I need to lean on the arms of Christ, for I have no strength in myself. I pray daily, Lord help mine unbelief, and help me to know Your true power and plan for my life. I want to be in obedience to Him, but I know that I can not without His Holy Spirit and Faith. I will lift up all my brothers and sisters in Christ for we are truly in a war and it is written that in the end we win. I want to walk in confidence in Father’s words and realize all His promises.
Pray for me.