Dealing with Domestic Violence in the Church

[Toni]

Domestic violence is never acceptable, but unfortunately has been allowed to continue in the church, when doctrines and traditions of men are old-guard gatekeepers keep allowing it. Religion keeps us bound, but spirit of God gives us liberty. To abuse someone is to also judge and falsely accuse them. [ i.e. the accuser says "I hit you or curse you or punish you or act this way with you because you're stupid, ugly, crazy, or because you did some stupid, ugly, crazy thing” or whatever, and this becomes the justifying accusation].  This judgment also indicts the abuser as an accuser of the brethren.... in this case an accuser of his wife.  It is controlling and manipulative and carnal behavior. The very one that man is called upon to serve and protect, he instead abuses and neglects.

 

This abuse defiles and profanes the marriage and pollutes the woman's soul. When this happens the marriage becomes an association in the letter of the law only, not in the spirit in which God designed marriage. A godly marriage is a loving union between man and woman; it is a picture of a king and his bride.  A true king always conducts himself in the manner of a king.  Marriage is a place of honor and respect. Domestic abuse in marriage is an abuse and misuse of authority, and makes the abuser no better than the shepherds who feed ("serve”) themselves and not their sheep. You know what these shepherds do to their sheep? They abuse and beat their sheep until the sheep run away – they are scattered. (Eze 34).

People want to say "how could you go thru that, endure that? put up with that?" Well, it could happen to anybody, especially members of a traditional church - a church gthat does not preach or practise deliverance. We need to have deep compassion and show love for the abused.  Love them openly, defend them openly..... this doesnt mean pointing fingers at anyone but showing agape love and wisdom and letting the word of God guide you in the ministry of helps that binds up the broken hearted. This ministry brings deliverance. We need men who will stand on the altar with an offending brother, work with him so he is delivered and teach him how to love and honor his wife.

 

Believing what the abused says about her abuser is the first step towards restoration for the abused. Remember in the bible when the men accused the woman of adultery? They brought her to Jesus. Since these men judged unrighteously, they expected Jesus to judge unrighteously. But He is the Righteous Judge, so he dismissed their expectation, replaced it with the kingdom message.  Jesus believed the abused and accused woman’s story. He saw the men about to stone her, and Jesus came between the woman and her accusers, as Intercessor. These men were convicted in their hearts; one by one they went away.

 

The husband that abuses his wife is accusing her and spiritually stoning her.... she needs a practical intercessor -- one that literally stands in the gap with necessities of life. The abused need someone who knows how to get to resources and help (and get others to help) with material things like food, shelter, clothing, jobs, ministry and counseling.

Domestic abuse defiles a woman emotionally, damaging her in her most fragile areas – areas in which she should have been covered, protected. Domestic abuse damages a womans’ personality, her will, her mind, her emotions – her very soul.  Instead of allowing God to use him to minister and serve and plant good things to grow in her life so that she is transformed to glorify God, an abuser becomes an agent of evil, creating an environment where cycles, stages and seasons of soul fragmentation and brokenness are perpetuated.  Can a marriage or any relationship be built or maintained on a cracked foundation?

 

When this is allowed to happen in the church, the miracle of marriage gets wrapped up and shrouded in death; it becomes a facade and therefore mockery of what a godly marriage should exemplify in the church and display to the world.  It wacks up our witness, and makes us liars by our self-deception.

 

Remember the womans’ reaction to her accusers in the bible? Some of the very men who had abused her, laying up with her at will, were now accusing her of adultery.  For all we know, she had had enough of this abuse, and had told one too many that “I’m not doing that anymore. I cannot allow it”. The bible doesn’t say.  You can bet there was a reason that suddenly they demanded she be stoned.  Her abusers made her to feel as if she had done something to deserve her judgment, when all she may have done is stand up for herself.

 

Now, no doubt she knew what she had once been, and that added to her shame. And the men, in their self-righteous judgment heaped reproach upon her. You know how it is:  “… oh you got a lot of nerve now. You’re gonna stand up against me?! Oh no you wont, I’ll get you back for it!”  That woman caught in adultery may have even felt  like she deserved to be stoned because of her shame and reproach. The mental script had been written and the tracked were grooved and rutted in her mind. She knew something was wrong, and their accusations made her believe that the fault was hers alone.  She needed help; her thinking was twisted and skewed and tilted because of the abuse she had suffered. She needed help, not judgment and condemnation, but she didn’t know where to go. She needed an intercessor, and restoration, because she had already been broken.  All this hung like a millstone around her neck, making her accepting of her abusers’ judgment because it was the status quo -- it was accepted in her "church".

 

I would not wish domestic abuse on anyone, the only way to really appreciate how damaging it is is to have been thru it yourself. And the only way to break the back of it is to speak out on it and intervene as God reveals and leads.  It is my prayer that God will use my ministry brothers and sisters to open prison doors and set those captives free.