Lust: The Great Escape
By Alan P. Medinger
Return to list of all articles or to articles by Medinger.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lust has such power over us because it does deliver what we are looking for; it has capacity to reduce our pain (in the short run). Understanding this can help us resist
Why is the battle against sexual lust so difficult for some people?

The answer is simple: Because it works every time. It delivers what they are looking for -- immediate relief from pain or discomfort.

It is more readily available than any other source we have to relieve pain. We don't have to go to the liquor store, or even the medicine cabinet, to get it. We don't have to find a person or spend any money for it. All we need is right there in our mind. And for some of us, our mind is like a library, or better yet, a video store of almost unlimited stimulating resources, and it is open 24 hours a day, and it doesn't charge any rental fees.

Lust acts more quickly than any pain reliever on the market. It has the capacity to instantly relieve us of any consciousness of pain. Feeling lonely? Or weak or inadequate? Feeling angry? Tired, but you can't sleep? Can't stand who you are? Take a little lust and these feelings will vanish immediately.

Of course we know that the relief is only temporary. We know that it solves nothing long term, and in fact, often makes things worse. We will feel even worse about ourselves tomorrow. It is a step backward when we've been trying to move forward. We know that somehow, after we've given in, God will seem a little more distant.

But we want immediate relief, and somehow, in this as in many parts of our lives, the immediate exerts such a disproportionate power over us. We are so prone to trade offthe greater long-term good for a lesser short-term benefit that we sometimes must question whether or not we are rational creatures.

I want us to take a look at this one aspect of lust -- its pain relieving quality -- because I believe that once we understand the dynamics of how we use lust in this way, we can take steps that will diminish its power over us.

I am not talking about getting rid of sexual lust entirely. Long-term victory over lust will come when we grow in our relationship with the Lord such that, consistently, our desire for Him overrides every other desire. In this respect, overcoming lust is self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit, and as we know, most fruit of the Spirit grows very slowly as we mature in our relationship with the Lord.

This is not going to be a broad discussion of resisting temptation, although if what is discussed here can be brought to bear at the point of temptation, it will make victory over temptation much more likely.

When I speak of lust here, I am speaking of sexual lust. We can lust after many things, but for the purposes of this article, we will focus on sexual lust. Although this can be an issue both with men and women, it tends to be more of a male problem because men have a greater capacity than women to enjoy sexual pleasure apart from relationship. Sexual lust used to relieve pain or discomfort is, therefore, more likely to provide an immediate payoff in men than in women.

If we use lust to escape from pain, then it follows that lust will be a greater struggle for people who have deep unmet needs or who are emotionally wounded. The wounding or needs are the sources of the pain for which we seek relief. Because, almost universally, homosexual men have basic unmet needs and are deeply wounded in some way, the great majority of homosexual men -- including overcomers -- will struggle mightily with lust.

The same thing can be said for most men with sexual compulsion problems. In our ministry it has been interesting to observe how many in our New Beginnings program (for men with heterosexual compulsion problems) come to the group thinking that they are simply over-sexed, or that it was just the physical pleasure of sex that held them. Eventually, almost all of them find that their sexual compulsion is a way they have found to deal with deep woundedness. Often, their backgrounds are not too unlike those of our homosexual strugglers.

An individual will more likely turn to lust for the relief of pain if he is of a certain personality type or if he has developed certain patterns of behavior since childhood. If he is generally passive or if he has developed patterns of running rather than fighting, lust provides a wonderful place for him to run to when confronted with pain or conflict. Generally, people with addictive personalities, are people with deeply ingrained patterns of avoiding pain rather than facing it. Again, this makes the homosexual man a likely candidate for powerful struggles with lust. Male homosexuality is by its very nature a turning inward, a retreat from the competitive, challenging world of men into a world of fantasy and self-comforting.

Each of us is more vulnerable to lust at some times than at others. We have different triggers; different pains or discomforts for which we have developed a pattern of letting lust be our escape.

For me it has been anger, a feeling I may not want to acknowledge or deal with, or tiredness, simply a discomfort I want to escape from. (Of course, tiredness diminishes our capacity to resist). Those in AA use the acronym "HALT" for hungry, angry, lonely or tired, the feelings they know make them vulnerable to using alcohol. For many of our single people, feelings of loneliness bring on the great desire for escape.

But the most powerful triggers tend to be those pains that tie right back into the roots of our homosexuality or compulsion. Rejection (usually by a man), being dominated (often by a woman), anything that brings on feelings of weakness and impotence or feelings of worthlessness; these provide an intensity of emotional pain that screams out for relief. Many of us for years and years found temporary relief from these intensely painful feelings by using the drug of lust.

I know one man who was a department head at a large university, and every year he had to prepare his department's budget -- something he felt totally inadequate to do. Year after year he went through the same pattern; putting off the job until the last minute, and then finally struggling to complete it but feeling he had done a totally inadequate job. And year after year as soon as the budget was done, he gave in to his lust and went out and found himself a young male prostitute. The stress of the budget preparation had brought us all his feelings of weakness and inadequacy, and led him to his sexual escape.

If you believe you are a person who uses lust to escape pain, how do you overcome this pattern? There are ways, both long-term and short-term.

First, however, I believe it is helpful to understand the dynamics of how lust has such power to relieve us of pain. It is simple. Man is capable of concentrating on only one thing at a time, and when we turn to lustful thoughts everything else is blocked out; anxiety, emotional pain, guilt, regrets, physical discomfort, whatever. We choose to concentrate on sexual fantasy rather than the pain that is besetting us. Consciously or unconsciously, we know that we face a choice of either enduring the pain for a time, or of experiencing immediate relief through lust.

In the short term -- at the moment we face a powerful desire to use lust as a means of escape -- there are only two legitimate courses to follow. We can face the pain, or we can turn our attention to something else. In facing the pain, our most likely helper is likely to be the Lord. We tell Him of our pain. "Lord, I did such a stupid, weak thing today; I feel so worthless. Lord, I feel so terrible about myself. I know I can get rid of these feelings with fantasy and masturbation, but I also know that You can take care of them in a better way. Help me." The Lord will respond to this cry. He has many times for me. But let's be honest here; the relief and comfort the Lord brings is usually not as rapid a pain killer as lust. In the process of drawing to the Lord, and having Him speak to you, you will endure some pain. The question is:

Are you willing to endure any pain?

The other legitimate way to go is to turn your attention to something else. It may be any type of distraction that will engage the mind, but for me my way, again, is usually to focus on the Lord. At the point of struggle, I may picture Jesus on the cross suffering and dying for my sins, and I remind myself that I am contemplating adding another sin for Him to bear. Or, I may imagine Jesus and me sitting by a river sharing with one another. His hand may be on my shoulder. If all else fails, I may just say the name Jesus over and over. The principle of replacement can work wonderfully here.

Jesus made us, His people, to be His body here on earth, so your immediate help may come from another believer; either someone you can talk to about your pain, or someone whose company or conversation will draw you away from focus on the pain. This is why we urge members of our groups to call another group member when they are going through particularly rough temptation.

The long term solution is, of course, to deal with the pain or discomfort. If the pain or discomfort comes from the normal struggles of life, then there needs to be a combination of two things.

First, accept the fact that some pain and discomfort in life is inevitable. Every one, with some frequency, experiences feelings of loneliness, weakness, anger, tiredness. This is a part of life. Acceptance puts these feelings in the proper perspective, and sets us up to accept another important truth; that in a short while the feelings will be gone. And this too shall pass.

Second, if the pain is circumstantial -- you are lonely because you don't have any friends, or you keep failing at work because you are not suited to your current job -- seek to change the circumstances. Easier said than done, isn't it? But what other way is there?

If you sense that the pain comes from root problems, of the type that probably contributed to your homosexuality or compulsion in the first place, obviously you need to get at the root. This is what our ministry is all about. This is what counselors are for. This is what we may struggle with the Lord over month after month in our quiet times. Discovering what the roots are (usually deeper sins), and releasing them to the Lord through true repentance which brings forgiveness, or allowing His love, His healing, and His truth to replace the source of pain; this is the process of being healed. It comes in the Lord's time and as we cooperate.

It is not the purpose of this article to tell you how to get over the pain, but rather to help you understand one wrong way that you may have been dealing with it. Each time we are tempted, our choice is not just whether or not to sin sexually for pleasure's sake,

but to choose to turn our backs on the Lord in disobedience for the purpose of avoiding some pain or discomfort. Justunderstanding that I was using lust to escape from pain and discomfort helped me greatly in my battle with lust. I believe it can do the same for you.

Jesus understands the process. He, who was tempted in every way as we are, knows our weakness and how foolishly and readily we will chose relief from pain over His much better way. But He hears us when we call out to Him, He is with us to help us start anew if we fail, and through His Holy Spirit, He will guide us to the way of healing of the deeper pain that we experience.

Lust is a drug that eases pain. Jesus is the cure.



From May 1994 Regeneration News. Copyright © 1994 Alan P. Medinger and Regeneration. Please request permission to reprint this article. All rights reserved. Posted on the web with permission.

Views: 12

Comment

You need to be a member of Black Preaching Network to add comments!

Join Black Preaching Network

© 2024   Created by Raliegh Jones Jr..   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service