Men Don’t Let Divorce Stop Your Fatherhood

[William Jackson]

by William Jackson, Edited by Cheryl Williams

An inspirational message to divorced fathers.
What I share is a contradiction of emotional and mental states, my contribution to encourage
divorced fathers. My son 18 years old and a high school graduate, he is in college now attending
Florida A&M University. You may wonder why is this important. The importance is that as a
father being divorced from my children’s mother since 1999, this did not keep me from being
involved in my children’s life.

I did not use excuses about child support payments, nor the excuse that they lived over an hour
away from me. I still choose to get them for my visitation and split my summer vacation with their
mother. Excuses are easy, but sacrifice is a challenge to the commitment to an important cause;
being involved with your children. Enduring to do the right thing is not always easy. My reflections
as a father, I watched my son during orientation allowed me the enlightenment of why I nurtured,
taught, sacrificed, worked, prayed, and yes I fussed and cussed at times to get my children to
do what they needed to do. I had to be proactive to know what my children were doing at school
even though I was no longer in the home. I was still responsible for their growth and welfare
beyond child support monies. I suffered baby mama drama in lack of communication, not being
offered school pictures, not being invited to PTO/PTA meetings, or parent/teacher conferences,
not knowing when field trips were. Not being told of school plays and events that the children
were in. I had to find out for myself, which I did and attended events as much as I could. I took
off work to go on field trips, I showed up for after school functions, even though tired or sick I
was there or made the attempt.

As a father I encouraged my children to be productive and successful in school, working hard to
do for my children so I would never hear that I was a deadbeat father and talked about in any
derogatory way. There still were exchanges about me to my children, but I taught my children
to judge me by my actions not from others words. Even though I still deal with baby mama drama
it is worth it because my son is in college, a high school graduate. My daughter is going to high
school in the fall. The divorce process is neither easy nor nice, some of the most primal emotions
rise to the surface, but men should understand that it is not about who bests who, who is the
better parent. It is about what is best for the children, if children are involved. At times the process
feels unfair and it feels like a war, but many divorcing parent’s do not always look at the future
and the preparation of their children for higher education. I do not have all the answers, but do
encourage parents to make preparations for your children to attend college or vocational school
while they are young. During divorce and even when finalized, putting aside mental and emotional
pain, anger and demeaning behaviour to communicate with each other. Your child’s academic
success is important do not make this impossible with disrespectful actions and words.

The turbulence of the divorce process can be demeaning as accusations whether valid or invalid
are discussed. Negotiating while the children are young and starting a college fund is a necessity
now because tuition prices are continuously rising. It is harder for minority youth to go to college
or university. The most affected are divorced parents when they see their children want to attend
high education, but realize they do not have the money and kick themselves when realizing they
should have prepare when the child was young. Both parents are accountable and responsible
to stay connected with their children’s academic, emotional and psychological strength and
weaknesses. Fathers need to be visible in the schools, to follow their child’s academic growth.
Not leaving it up to the mother and blaming her for any failures, nor should an uninvolved father
take credit for any successes of the child. The father is held accountable because that is their
child also. If a father is not involved in elementary, middle and high school, don’t expect a
graduation invitation when time comes.

Helping to continue to raise children does have its financial challenges. I have and continue to
struggle through financial hardship paying child support, working to re-establish shattered credit
rating. I have at times worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet. Learning that my children will love
me regardless of money because they know that I love them and want to spend quality time with them.
Fathers understand it is not the amount of money that you spend, but the amount of time that you
put in your relationship with the children. No one wins when parents are competing with each other
for a child’s love. Focus on the importance of being a good, responsible and
involved parent. I saw the fruits of my labour when my son enrolled in college
and I helped him accomplish this goal. My labour was in traveling every other
weekend as many divorced dads do to pick up their children. Taking a day off
from work to visit my son and daughter in school. Talking to their teachers and
eating lunch with the class. It did not matter that their mother did not want me there.
I choose to be visible and in communication with teachers and
administrators. Many fathers do not know they have rights to visit their child’s
school and check up on their children even if divorced. I sent cards, letters, emails
and texts, showing my children that I love them instead of just giving lip service and false words and false expectations. There are things true fathers/real men do for their children by being there for them and showing up when they say they will.

There were unkind words that were spoken by my children’s mother and grandmother about
me. That helped motivate me to be a better father. Men in some cases are driven away by
women because the woman is angry, hurt and wants to get back at the man. These actions
in the long run hurt the children’s development when the mother denies visitation even when
support is being paid. Sometimes mothers will speak poorly about the father and make
unwarranted accusations to the male child that they will be like their father in a derogatory
way. Statements are made by mothers that can destroy their young son’s mental security
and confidence. Encouraging destructive behaviour and nurturing behaviour that is anti
social. The resulting behaviour from the child accumulates into academic and social
challenges that did not have to happen. These actions can be seen in our schools and
judicial systems. Because of hurt emotions by mothers their words and actions may
encourage and teach the male child to “act out” because the mother was still angry even
after years of being divorced. Daughters are influenced not to speak to their fathers not
realizing the long term consequences that affect future relationships, this I personally
experience with my daughter.

I felt the fruits of my labour when my son hugged me. I hugged him back not
wanting to let him go because of the years of his childhood rushing back through
my mind. I kissed him twice on his head trying not to be squashy, not wanting to
embarrass him at his new home away from home. I said something similar to
I Love You and proud of you, he replied I love you to..
As I turned to leave I had to fight the feelings to look back because I knew I would
cry, but that did not work. As I walked back to my truck the tears started streaming.
Fathers do need to cry; it does not demean you or make you weak. It just proves that
you are human, a caring person, a parent that loves their child. Your child needs to
know that you have emotions, that you can show your affection for them. I realized my
son, whom I carried in my arms when born, read to, taught computers to, shared
French fries with, mowed the lawn with, taught how to drive. The little boy who was
my traveling partner to the store or out of town, who went with me to work
and helped me in my classroom. Whose hand I held when walking in the store,
who I carried on my shoulders. I remember talking about sex, drugs, and life in general.
The young man that I watched graduate from elementary school, middle school,
high school and now attending college.

I did not want to be another statistic of a deadbeat father so I persevered. I say
thank you God for allowing me the opportunity to be a father, to shape and mold a
young man to be a benefit to society not a menace or statistic in the juvenile justice
system. I know my son is not perfect, he has his flaws; I rest in the knowledge that
I taught him things that my dad did not teach me because he was not there. Put God
first in everything, the value and importance of education, being respectful, and honest.
Do not let people take you for granted, do not allow people to use you nor abuse you.
To have values, morals that you can be and will be successful. To be of service to your
community and help others when you can. As I left the campus I placed my son in God’s
hands and said a prayer. To God Be The Glory. I will be there at my son’s college graduation.
God willing, but he has started a journey that I helped him begin.

A message to fathers; press forward to be the best father that you can. Do not give in to
giving up on fatherhood, because the life you give up on will be your children. Don’t allow
others to put you down or talk negatively to your children about you. Your
children will not be children forever. They will grow up and they will remember how involved
you were, or how uninvolved you were. Your children will remember who was there to
help them. They will know who to call when they need guidance, advice and strength.
Men no matter what color or culture must understand if we can make a baby we have to
continue to be responsible to and for that baby.

Making no excuses for not being there for our children.