My Wife Does Not Like Her Role as 1st Lady

A member requested the following be posted: I have recently discovered my wife has been totally unhappy as first lady and even the life style and sacrifices of building a church. She loves the Lord and Loves our family, however the most recent discussion she revealed she has been unhappy for at least the last 3 years. They are working it out, however there is a lot of repairing and regrouping is being done.

Statistics show that 80% of 1st Ladies, are in this similar situation. We have come to the decision that as Pastor I have not listened to her enough to make this more of a team effort. Yes we listen to God for direction, however God placed the women in our life to be a "help meet" according to Genesis 2:18

I am sure there are many in this situation and do not realize it. I was totally shocked when we discussed it at almost the point of separating. Given the opportunity to discuss this issue openly with your spouse, you might be surprised of how much she has felt she needed to hold in and carry alone.

Stop hiding hurt and heal your marriage.

Marriage Helper

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Comment by Marriage Helper on December 18, 2009 at 10:18pm
Pastor McGee I applaud you and your wife. You are doing exactly what works for your ministry and that is the point we are trying to make. Do not allow man to dictate the demiss of your ministry and marriage by placing unfair and non biblical expectations on the wife.

We would love to help with some of the other concerns if you have questions. Please feel free to email them to me and I will post without using your name.
Comment by Steven McGee on December 18, 2009 at 8:11pm
My wife and I cut this situation off at the pass some time ago. She does not accept the title of first lady in the church, she's unassuming and very shy, but very firm that she is not the first lady, "She is the Only Lady"and as such when it comes to me she is very secure. Our relationship is far from perfect, but as it relates to the church she makes tremendous sacrifices. My duty is to make sure that they are not in vain!
Comment by Marriage Helper on December 18, 2009 at 6:38am
Min Warren,

This Pastor's wife responded to say she is not frustrated helping to build the church, the frustration is the lofty expectations placed on her due to a title and a role not according to biblical principles.

We appreciate you visiting and hope to see you back to share on our blogs. Also she wanted everyone to know that she is now acknowledged according to her first name, other members have taken on different responsibilities. We have found many of the expectations that people rely on the "1st Lady" to deal with is actually a responsibility of the ministerial staff.

Example: When there is a lost of a loved one, many want to call the "1st Lady" eventhough there is a trained counselor for bereavement, divorce, eventhough the first lady has not experienced divorce and you have a trained person to help with that.

Moses established a Human Gov't and this pastor is now discovering that doing so and holding his members accountable for using those who have been called and chosen to exercise their gift in that area of need, protects, preserves, and allows the pastor's wife to focus on better ministering to the Pastor, and the children of the family, while being a friend to the congregation.

I'm not sure if everyone recall, the title "1st Lady" in the church is only about 10-15 yrs old, before it was the Mother, but because many of the Pastor wives were younger they did not want to be called "Mother" with that title change came about a change in dress, posture, expectations and divorce rate. God has not intention of any part of the church causing a stain on the marriage or family. The church was ordained to bring the family back together and if our modern day church structure does that, then there is something wrong with the structure and another change is needed.

BTW, they both agree that this change has created an hugh amount of harmony in their relationship, home and church in a very short period of time.

Your thoughts?

Marriage Helper
Comment by Marriage Helper on December 13, 2009 at 8:10am
A quick work has already begun Pastor Williams, thank God for His grace and for men and women such as you willing to share your knowledge given to you by God. I really like the part about the church is Christ's bride, therefore we do not have to be the husband to the church because we will then be entering into an "affair". Powerful stuff. I love this group.
Comment by Marriage Helper on December 13, 2009 at 7:28am
Prophet Sanders, this is a terminology of man as well as a "calling" constructed by man and not God. Thus the reason so many marriages are hurting. The roles of the "PASTOR'S WIFE" differ. When we return to Kingdom Principles and not Church Traditions the Kingdom of God will continue to rise. The Pastor's marriages are straining in may cases because now the pastor's wife is (1st Lady, mother, wife, professional, sister, family caretaker etc) and she must do all with a smile. I can hear now some that read this saying "to much is given..." This scripture relates to that which is given by God. The title, duties, and pressures of "1st Lady" is not something given by God.
Comment by Prophet Dr. Arroyo B. Sanders on December 13, 2009 at 6:27am
Forgive me for deferring away from the topic but I just would like to know where is the term "first lady" in the Bible? or is that a terminology we took from the world and put into the church.

Question does have meaning behind it...
Comment by Marriage Helper on December 11, 2009 at 3:52pm
Evangelist Anderson your words are true and encouraging. We came to the conclusion because of what God is doing in our lives and our ministry we do view it as a test and thus have given us an even greater desire to prove the enemy wrong and have a testimony to share with members and the body of Christ when the time comes to share. I teach the men in my church the importance of actively listening to their wives, but in that process I didn't realize I was falling short in the listening department. God has done a quick work in repair our relationship but there is still work to do. Please continue visiting us here, you have excellent insight and godly counsel. I'm glad you didn't simply say, trust God and pray. That is not the type of counsel we are looking for, we know that works, but it has to be accompanied by understanding of what your are praying for and about.
Comment by Evangelist Linda Anderson on December 11, 2009 at 3:36pm
May prayers are with you and your family. Many times as first lady people see the man and not his wife. It is so important that as husband to keep that line of communication open with your wife and the church. Keeping the oneness of marriage their between you and your wife, family, then the church. Keeping a listening ear, hearing what she don't say but do say. Effective listening and effective communication is a must in every marriage. I happy to know that her love for you and the family is intact. Many times when it get to leaving the love is gone. But because the Love is there you both have much to work toward and staying together with a happy ending. Know also it is a test. Pass the test together. Hold on to each other love is a power all by itself and with the power of God makes it supernatural. With God on yourself things will workout fine, you are going to make it. The question was asked what love got to do with it. EVERYTHING. God bless and keep you.
Comment by Marriage Helper on December 11, 2009 at 10:30am

So many times the first thought that comes to mind is that someone cheated. However there are problems in christian marriages that has absolutely nothing with cheating. Oftentimes as pastors the church carries the same characteristics as having "another women" because our attention is on the church and the wife and family oftentimes go neglected. I pray you and your spouse are recovering from the hurt of your separation. Thank you for sharing. I am making sure I become a better listener and I'm delegating and trusting those I delegate to in order to free me to focus on the family.
Comment by Eric Hancock on December 11, 2009 at 10:10am
This is good
My wife when we were together did not like the role either.she did not like to be questioned or me spending time in the church,,very private person,,until she altogether stopped going to church,it looks bad because when the church knows that your married and your spouse dont attend,,here comes the gossip,,either somethings wrong in there house or there marriage or she dont like our church.along with some other issues ,,it lead to seperation and I found myself by myself..and it was'nt from me cheating

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