As important as marriage is in our society, one would think that preparing for marriage would be just as equally important. Unfortunately for most people planning the wedding is more important that planning for a successful marriage. When I entered marriage I was 31 years young, and unprepared emotionally, spiritually, or financially. I was in pursuing my degree and living at home with my parents. I was a single mom working full-time and going to school full-time.

My father who is also a pastor performed the ceremony. We had one pre-marital counseling session and thought we were ready. After seven years the marriage ended in divorces. I’ve learned how to learn the lesson and move on, forgive so I can live and seek God for my new identity and destiny. Marriage was instituted by God and therefore it was and still is honorable. So why do we act like being single is a disease?

Whether you have never been married or you’re single again be encouraged. Being single is only a state. It’s not your total being and it’s not a disease. Before you will ever be happy in a marriage, you will have to learn how to be secure, whole and healed during your singleness.

While I don’t recall ever feeling like being single was a disease I believe that society causes us to believe that if we are not married something must be wrong or we’re not whole. The reality is no one can make you whole. You have to work on becoming whole before you get married.

It’s amazing how many people spend years planning a wedding, but never give thought to working on their personal growth and development. Oftentimes we spend more time on finding the perfect mate, rather than become the mate they would want to marry. But guess what? We’re all imperfect people, so there is no perfect mate. Just be the best that you can be.

You know yourself better than anyone else. At this stage in your life would you want to marry you? Be honest. If you were the opposite sex, would you want to marry yourself? If the answer is no, the next question is why would you not want to marry you, right now?

After you discover those answers you may want to hold off on searching for a mate and start working on becoming the right life partner. When you’re ready to be the right mate, the right mate will come. I believe that God does the orchestrating and the choosing if we allow Him to. You won’t have to go searching all over the world to find him or her. If you are a single woman, let the man find you. The Bible says that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. Single ladies, that means you can rest and not worry about finding your mate. Let him find you.


If you are a single man, the Bible says when you find a wife, you will find favor with God. Favor is support and approval. Our Creator wants to be part of our mate selection process. But before that, He desires that we become who he created us to be. Character development takes time, persistence, patience and discipline. Growth and change is work. But it’s not just for your mate, it’s for you. Aren’t you worth it? Don’t you want to be the best you can be?

So, whether you are a single woman or man being single is not a disease, it just means that you are not married. That’s it. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. Even if you were married and are not divorced, so what? Does divorce mean that you are damaged goods? Does it mean that you will never love again? Does it mean that you are of no use to your children? You are not flawed. You still have value and worth. You are still worthy of love, honor and respect. Your life still has meaning. You still can parent your children and raise them up right.

Don’t be defined by divorce or your past. Don’t look for your identity in people, places and things, titles or positions. Do you think because I am no longer referred to as, “Mrs” that takes something away from me? The devil is a liar. We have to learn how to be happy, whole and complete after the divorce. Are you breathing? Then you have to learn how to take the rest of your life back. Know who you are and whose you are. Your Creator is your husband, and He promises to supply all of your needs. There is not one need that you or I could ever have that He is not able to meet, and that includes a mate. Bottom line is a true God ordained marriage will always enhance your life. It should never become your whole identity. Your identity must first and foremost, found in Christ.

While singleness is not a disease, I realize that our thinking can be a little off as it relates to what it means to be single, separated or divorced. If you’re married but separated, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived apart, if you are not legally divorced, you are legally still married. If you were previously married, but can show legal evidence that you are divorced, then you are “single again”.

For more information log onto www.totallyhealedcounseling.com

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