What to Do After Your Spouse Cheats

1. Take care of yourself. Often when one is going through a very difficult challenge like discovering their partner is cheating, the emotions are so overwhelming that one can hardly eat or drink or sleep. There may be incredible anger, devastation, depression, panic, and even feelings of violence and rage. These emotions make it difficult to manage life in a healthy way. This is a time to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Make sure you are hydrated, get rest when you can, make sure you are moving your body whether you go to a gym or walk around the block, keep moving. If you need help with emotions it may be important to see your help care professional to get you through those most difficult days.

2. Embrace your spiritual, religious, or traditional beliefs. Many people find peace in God or Source or Nature. Engage in all those activities that bring solace whether it be prayer, meditation, Finding an energy or resource beyond yourself is often enormously beneficial.

3. Allow support from family and friends. While no one can take the pain away, support and love can help you through this difficult time. Don't hold the pain inside, all alone as its overcome you. Often, people do not want to share the reality of how their lives were devastated by their partner. It may be embarrassing or humiliating, but you may need the love and care from those close to you who can help and support you.

4. Now is not the time for revenge. This may be a difficult one for some. Retaliation is not the way to handle sorrow or anger. It may feel like the appropriate thing to do but usually this will only make matters worse and sometimes cause more problems then you can realize. Don't do anything rash. Your goal right now is to heal not to compound your problems.

5. No matter what, do not use your children as a way to harm your partner. Your children are going to experience the fall-out of an affair but using them as a way to hurt your cheating spouse is only going to further hurt your children. They need you now more than ever. You don't want to ever look back and know that your reactions to your spouse added pain to your children.

6. Remember time does heal. Hold to the knowledge that you will move beyond this crisis and you will have a future of peace. It may not seem like it at the moment but the future will be better and you will again find happiness.

7. Forgiveness. This is one of the most difficult of all human behaviors. Now, obviously for a marriage to continue (in a healthy way) after an affair forgiveness is required. However, this doesn't happen overnight. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, to hold your partner accountable, to embrace your journey as difficult as it is. But, here is the important point: Forgiveness is not about the other person it is about you. Forgiveness means you are done with the negative emotion that is harming your life. It means that you are not going to let the event destroy your life even if it feels right now like it has. Forgiving your spouse doesn't mean the affair was OK, or that you were not harmed. It means that you are not going to let the behavior of another destroy your future. Of course this takes time. It takes effort. It takes going through the process of dealing with the crisis. Give yourself time.

8. Letting go. Will one ever forget the pain of an affair? Perhaps not. Those dramatic and emotional experiences of our lives become strong and powerful memories. When the emotions come into our experience, the memories return; they are explicitly linked as they form together. However, the pain subsides, the memory fades, and more importantly new experiences become more important and vibrant. As horrible as the memory may be, as it is placed into the totality of one's life it diminishes in strength. The more new, happy, peaceful, and joyful memories that are made, the less this painful episode will have its hold. As you go forth in life, consciously create wonderful memories and deliberately design joyful experiences.

9. Grieving. It is OK to grieve. It is appropriate to feel all the emotions you feel after discovering your partner has been unfaithful. You may go to all sorts of places and experience all sorts of emotions. One thing is certain there is a form of grieving that accompanies affairs. When one feels betrayed, deceived, and harmed; when one feels the trust and confidence and love is gone from the partnership it is perfectly normal and appropriate to grieve. In order to move on, it is essential to feel the various emotions that come to you rather than deny or ignore them.

10. Let your emotions flow freely. Observe them. Honor them. Respect them. You can acknowledge the pain and sorrow as an observer without allowing them to take a hold of your heart and mind. There are many ways to release the pain including visualizations, meditation, prayer. However you chose to manage, or whatever techniques work for you, remember that the point is to let the emotions flow not to hold them in, feed them, ignore them or repress them. Denying them will only keep them growing inside you. Let them flow.

If your spouse has had an affair, you will most likely be filled with all sorts of emotions. It will take time to sort out what you want to do, where you want to go, and how you will handle it. Give yourself the time. Know it is a process and must be worked through. It won't be over in a day or two but it will be over and life will go on. You will find happiness and peace again.

And, if you chose to continue on in your marriage, you can absolutely find happiness again. Your marriage, believe it or not, can become healthy and strong and even fabulous.

*Just to be clear I think marriages can grow strong and wonderful without an affair, and certainly an affair is not necessary for growth. My point is, if a couple ends up facing this crisis they can move forward and overcome the challenge.

NJ Institute of Theological Studies started this discussion 2 months ago

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