Marriage Helper's Comments

One thing I failed to mention regarding your posting. Remember our work as ministers, christians, the Body of Christ is beyond the 4 walls. There is a whole Kingdom in need of your ministry, not those inside the 4 walls. True ministry (serving God's people in the community to win souls can be as you stated "USED" anywhere. Focusing on being used inside the walls tend to make you one who is seeking to preach, pray, and head a committee in the church that you can be seen before men. A servant does not look for the glamour, they look to serve. Find a common outreach in the community, WE ALL CAN BE USED THERE.

Brother Young, there are 3 things that leap off the page when I read your comment they are: Unity, Repect, and Communication.

As couples in ministry must understand : 1Co 1:10 ¶ Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. This applys in marriage and ministry which are inpart are the same. Any actions present of division is not of God. The two of you will need to become a more united partnership moving forward. If there is division that which you are hearing is not of God leading. He is not the author of division and behaviors based on the emotions of anger, bitterness, and resentment.

Unity in a marriage will bring about Respect. It is difficult to find good in those things not of God. Division is not of God. Unity, Marriage, and the Love of Christ are Kingdom principles. Division has no place in neither ministry nor marriage. Now Understand there is a difference in Division and Diversity. But better understanding will be presented when you communication improves.

3) Communication: Anyone reading this and want an excellent exercise to improve communication is welcomed to send me their email address and I will send the exercise with instructions on improving communication.

I don't like the idea that my wife and I go to two different churches. We have discussed it and I feel it is indicative of how our relationship has been. The one first things my wife asked me before we got married was, "how do I feel about women ministers??" Personally I came out of a church that used everyone, so that was never an issue with me. Some in today's church might. I not that one.
It has seemed to me that this has been an issue because in times past when I told her what I believed the lord was telling me, The questions was along the lines of how it would effect what she believed the Lord had for her to do.
These are some of the issues I have had to deal with. She has felt I dont respect her and no matter how I try to convince her otherwise, It had been a problem. Telling her something I don't agree with is not the same as disrespect.
It has affected. We dont go to the same church because she feels God can use her at this church where she is at now. I feel God can use her where I am at now. I have had to back off and let her do what she feels at this point because I want peace in my home.
This is on top of all the other stuff. This where i am at!!

Being married is a continuous process and both parties have to agree to do things to make it healthy and not things that will cause the cancer to spread.

Please feel free to reach out throughout this process

Thank you for responding, not in judgement but in honest ways that will make all of this work. I admit when I wrote to you I was frustrated but I will take steps in this direction!! Thanks

5) I suggest finding out the best way and the most comfortable way of communicating with one another. Sometimes face to face is not as effective as we think they might be. I know many couples who where able to communicate better by using the following: Many of even my discussions with my spouse have been happily resolved by the follwing

Each of these allow you to learn to be “quick to hear and slow to speak” Your goal in EVERY MISUNDERSTANDING IS TO GAIN UNDERSTANDING, and an “AGREED UPON RESOLUTION…NOT TO SIMPLY BE RIGHT.

* Instant Message, it gives you the opportunity to read your statement before sending to be sure it was presented clearly without anger, sarcasm, and resentment.
* Text when “NOT Driving” it allows for instant response and shorter to the point response
* Email: Give you the chance also to communicate properly

6) Clearly let one another know 1 or 2 reachable or workable things we desire the other to decrease and or increase doing in the relationship and/or not doing and work on meeting your spouse’s expectations in that/those areas. The beginning of the process. Once you reach a point of change, celebrate it and choose 2 more and work on those. All things will not blend or work perfectly in a marriage that is scheduled to last a life time. (As a joke, being married in a lifetime means, that’s how long it takes to get it right) In marriage there are forever changes and we must learn to change, adjust, compromise quickly and often if we expect a “healthy” marriage.

7) This institution was ordained by God, so it is ordained to work and is one of the first institutions Satan desires to destroy.


KEEP GOD FIRST, LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER, ACKNOWLEDGE YOU HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD AND COMMIT TO WORKING ON MAKING NEEDED CHANGES. THIS IS FOR BOTH OF YOU

1) Identify those things in “You” that if you were married to you, even you would go crazy dealing with. Many times we can find the answer as we look at our parents behavior and identify those areas you did not want to become and you think you did not but your spouse is telling you that your are like your “mom or dad” You became your mom and dad, “GOOD, BAD OR INDIFFERENT”

2) In your post you stated the many things you have tried to make the marriage work. The one thing that did not jump out at me is “LISTEN”, however you did say she has a hard time “hearing the truth”. If the truth be told, we all have a hard time with the truth. We must first create an environment that “truth” which is oftentimes “more opinions than truth” can be received by the spouse because in many relationships the real truth is that you have differences of opinion and what is truth to you is not truth you your spouse and what is truth for your spouse is not truth for you.
3) An environment where both parties us “I” statements oppose to “U” statements help foster such an environment. Also confirming what the other person is feeling. Your goal is to create an atmosphere where it is easy to be honest and fun for one another.

4) The two of you are very new to the Truly Wonderful Institution of Marriage, however you must learn and focus on the “PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE” according to God, and not the “ISSUES IN MARRIAGE” that Satan desires your focus to be on.

BroYoung,

I appreciate you reaching out for help to reach your answer. Spiritually speaking among many things we pray for in a marriage, one is oftentimes overlooked and that is for understanding of one another.

I hear your frustrations and your concern, however as difficult as your struggles may appear as you go through the transition of marriage, there are answers to your problems and it requires understanding the foundation upon which your new marriage stands.

There are oh so many situations in a marriage we are bringing together two broken yet delivered individuals from pass experiences into a relationship that we hope to mend together quickly and almost perfectly. Noticed I said “Delivered” however I did not say “have overcome”. (Example: people are oftentimes delivered out of situations, but their memories, desires and unwillingness to adjust to change causes them to go back to the familiar no matter how bad the familiar may have been. In many cases these situations gain both renewed life and strength when a similar of situation that appears to be similar in a passed event presents themselves in an new relationship

GOD must be the center focus when trying to be molded and shaped into an image that will reflect the fruit of the Spirit and the word of God as spoken in Eph 5:19-33. Now the important thing is not to take parts of this scripture to apply to your spouse or your spouse apply to you. It is a wholelistic approach to your relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what it means to have a pastor who “Tell’s it like it is”? Because I’m not sure what that means, however I do know having a leader who teaches in-depth how to learn to be married in a world that so many do not. Therefore I can’t teach everything in one email, however I would like to give you a direction that you and your spouse will come to an understanding the amount of sacrifice, discipline, compromising is required for a “Healthy” marriage.

Quite honestly, I wish I would get an I love you without saying it First even a thank you. I came into a ready made situation. My wife is quick to thank or give recognition for anything my stepson does whether it is the trash or washing the dishes. But It seems like I am supposed to do these things!
This is an continuation from the frustration that I feel after three years. As we speak my wife is out hanging out and when she is here she will be on the computer until early morning.
It has been like this for I dont know how long (months). I have had to fight for time between other interest. Spending time for us has been relegated to very late at night when I am not at my best after being at work all day. She sleeps late until 10 or 11 so she is not up with me in the mornings!! It has been almost a year without any intimacy
I have ot hold her hand or kiss her.
It has gotten old.
I need answers

Hey I have An issue about something my wife told me. Going Back a few weeks ago, My wife sent an e-mail asking about how to deal with a situation concerning our bed room. It was stated that I brought her before a pastor to let him tell her that it was my duty to sleep with her. Well..... There is a little more to it than that,
I am disappointed at the lack of discernment that goes into reacting to statements without probing further into the whole picture.
I have tried everything from trying to be friends, Buying her favorite candy, holding her in less than sexual ways, paying her compliments.
I wish you knew what goes on here. The pastor she is with now she applauds for being able to tell it like it is!! The same one that I was accused of bringing her before.
I have tried to resolve issues of unforgiveness. Most of our discussions about anything 90 percent of the time result in an argument. My wife has a hard time hearing the truth from me about anything.
It has been almost a year since we have had anything relations. I can barely get her to hold my hand!! It did just get that way. It has been that way, since we have moved to texas. We have gone through four month periods six months periods and now almost a year.
I have not cheated on her.The biggest issue I have had is that other people have had more influence on our relationship that what I try to say to her. When we came back to Texas, We had very little US TIME. Ministry, The Pastors kids and everything else were always more important than building our relationship which is still in Newlywed stage. over just three years in october. They things that go on between us affect my stepson who runs to the aid of his mother most of the time which puts up a wall between me and him. We have no real relationship. Honestly, After three years it is getting old. I ask her what we can do to make things better, Her response is " I don't know" I have to grab her hand or hug her, or there is no touching. What do I do ?

Good work Pastor Turner

Some of the things that I share in this video may seem hard. But husbands need to hear them because most husbands aren't going to get this stuff at work or on television or with their friends. Marriage is God's institution, and He sets the rules. Since He created marriage, He must show us how to make it work!

You can rate this video by going here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR-aU-5sLIE

Apostle the window of opportunity for couples in ministry to communicate can be very thin. We get so engulfed with following the vision and doing the very best we can to be obedient, we sometimes forget our spouse. I found myself at one point doing the same thing.

The family is a huge part of full circle of ministry and God's will. Discussing difficult issues of our pass actions in marriage can be very delicate. I encourage people to be sure to make "I" statements as to not give the preception of attacking your spouse. I also encourage using the following language. "I feel..", "I maybe wrong but I understood you to say...", "Can we agree to do...going forth?" This will more than likely be followed up with additional discussion just as a "temperture check" to be sure things are ok. I also encourage before ending each discussion each person repeat what they understood the problem was and what the agreed upon corrective actions will be.

You may already know these things, but oftentimes the opportunity for resolution is missed do to the lack of proper communication skills regarding such issues.

I think a thing that is oftentimes overlooking regarding some men is the fact that we are really big babies and we require more attention than we make our spouse believe. Many men may not admit it, but we need to hear acceptance from our spouse. In other words we are big babies who requires pampering, I know some women say they are not going to do these things, but we are not the macho, tough guys at home that we present in the public. We need wife to say, "I Love you", "I'm poud of you", "I appreciate you". These words make us feel like we are "THE MAN". Otherwise again I say most men won't admit this, but insecurity will set in and that can be tradgic for our over inflated ego. Being an African American man in america we are faced with proving ourselves, being disrespected, among other things sometimes on a daily base, therefore home is our safe haven.

Thank you Marriage Helpers, thank you for being there in my time of need. God Bless

liberties and unconsciencly took him for granted. My husband works, takes care of home and although I thought I was putting home first by taking care of business, cooking, cleaning supporting him and kids, I never stopped to ask what does he want from me, not just what I think he needs/wants to feel appreciated. The doorway was opened to the enemy but I thank God today prayer gave direction and communication closed the door. I've learned the mid life crisis is no joke and can see how it can kill God's covenant if we're not watchful, wise and prayerful.

Thank you for your response dated Dec. 12th, I am the Apostle that wrote into your site with the husband who asked for a divorce from me and his grown children who planned to move to FL. I just want to say God is GOOD. I alerted my intercessory circle and sent prayers requesting God's will be done. Long story short, God opened the doorways of communication dealing with my husbands unmet needs. As a frontliner in ministry sometimes home is sacrificed a bit too much and although my husband is my greatest supporter and allowed me to do and go wherever needed, I found that I took too many

Mr. and Mrs Thomas, you have entered into a wonderful institution ordained by God. We pray all the best things God has to offer in your marriage. We are here from any questions you may have along the way. Marriage is what the two of you make it through putting God first and devoting yourselves to one another.

Marriage Helper

Thank you Spoken and Motion, I'm sure you will be a great asset to this group and the couples in ministry going throug what you have already experienced.

One of our members who is an Apostle in the Kingdom has found out recently that her husband would like a divorce and is planning on moving to Fla and not seeing her or the kids any more. Grant it the kids are (18 and 20), she is thinking is has to do with mid life crisis. So Apostle this is what I would share with you based on the limited information, So we have a husband who has decided to leave a women who is wonderfully and beautifully made by God, and granted the kids are grown, but he has also decided to leave them and never see them again.

I wanted to type that in hopes that you will clearly see there is something wrong with that decision. The tragic thing about adults is that when one makes up their mind it can sometimes be difficult to reason with them. It appears that his decision came about by focusing on the issues of the marriage and not the purpose and the blessings of the marriage.

I guess he is one who believes "the grass is greener on the otherside". As true as that statement is, they fail to realize it is greener until the winter comes and then it changes to the same color as the patch of grass he left or worse.

Women of God, continue to follow the voice of God and note when your emotions are interferring with your call. Divorce hurts so many people who are involved, but according to the title attached to your name that means; you have a charge to keep and a God to Glorify.

Please continue checking back in and we can continue to encourage you through this process.