i used to….but now i….

i loved all those responses to yesterday’s soul care & spiritual practices during deconstruction! so many healing practices; thank you for sharing and feel free to still add yours.

the other day when i was driving in my car thinking about this series, an old post that i wrote 3 years ago came to mind. it’s called I USED TO BUT NOW I". i thought it actually might be a helpful exercise as part of our conversation on rebuilding after deconstructing because it’s centered on respecting where we were and where we are now.

it’s about recognizing & giving language to some of the new. it’s honoring shifts and helps us say “here’s what’s changed.”

it’s funny, my list from 2009 is so long, but as i looked through it many things still resonated, although maybe not as important to me today as they were then. as part of this practice, i decided to make a new list, some are from 3 years ago and there are definitely some new ones, too. i thought maybe some of you might want to give it a try, too.

my 2012 i used to…but now i’s…:

i used to have a fear-centered faith. now i have a love-centered one.

i used to think the christian life was one of ascent & i kept feeling like a loser because i couldn’t get there. now i think it looks more like descent & it takes away the pressure.

i used to think church was about getting what i wanted–inspiration & wow. now i think it’s about getting what i actually need–a place to practice loving & being loved.

i used to feel the need for things to be black and white and make perfect sense. now i really appreciate the gray & the mystery of the “i don’t knows.”

i used to think people could pull themselves up by their bootstraps & change their lives with enough prayer and hard work. now i see how truly complicated poverty, mental illness, and a host of other problems really are.

i used to think that if i talked about God enough & my kids could regurgitate enough scripture verses i’d be a good parent. now i see our actions are far more important than words.

i used to be two people, one on the outside & one on the inside. now there’s just one of me, with all my strengths & all my weaknesses.

i used to read the Bible for knowledge. now i read it for beauty & challenge.

i used to never even notice the lack of women and underrepresented groups in church leadership. now i can see and smell it from a mile away.

i used to hold on to everything and so tightly. now i’m trying to practice a looser grip.

i used to think the kingdom of God was really really narrow. now i think it’s bigger than i ever imagined.

i used to spend a lot of energy shaking my fists. now i am most interested in planting new SEEDS.

what are some of your “i used to…but now i’s…?”

i’d love to hear!

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